So, lets just be real. As if we aren't already.

I know what this is. I know that I'm getting my hopes up... trying my hardest not to even look in your direction. Somewhere, along the way, you will look in mine. You will see the same girl you have seen since you met her. I act the same way I have always acted around you - which is definatley a plus for me. You will see me, and you won't ever know the way I feel about you. How bad I desperately want to tell you. But one, I will not... and I refuse to make the first move. You have become something to me I honestly didn't expect, and didn't wish upon myself. But Now, I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to choose a different girl. I want you to choose me. I want you to fall in love with me.

This, I almost know a fact will never happen. Which, deep down... wait, not even deep down... it just hurts. I have not had feelings for someone like this in a very long time. And, I'm actually surprised that I am interested in someone. It has taken me so very long to get over heartache - and you have shown me something spectacular.

This friendship, has been something beautiful. I'm so very glad to call you a friend, and i'm even prideful to call you my best friend. You make me laugh like noone else could, and the very thought of you puts a smile on my face. My mom even said, "Heather, i don't even know him, but I love the smile and the laugh you have when you talk about him. I like the way he makes you smile". I haven't smiled in a long time. I mean, I have. But not like the smile I have when I'm around you.

This is me. Getting my emotions out. Because there is absolutley no way that I could EVER tell anyone... especially my closest friends about this.

"Don't want you to leave"

We were passing by clouds
It was two in the morning
I was sitting in the passenger seat
and you looked at me and said
this is my most sacred spot
i knew you meant something to me...

We went into that place
you sang me that old song
the day you kissed me close
we laughed all day long
i remember when
the sun was shining on your face
it was that very day
i knew love had taken place

Oh, You mean somethin' to me
more than i thought you would
more than i need
and oh, please take your time,
i want this to be right
and i don't, no i don't
want you to leave

Disappointed.

So I get flustered sometimes.
When... a beautiful friendship goes down the drain.
I mean, really.. who wouldn't?

I don't feel one sided friendships, though, were actually friendships in the first place.
I put so much effort into it. It was my first REAL good friend since I got out of highschool. The first person I really connected with move in day of my freshman year in college.
Alot of effort. Alot of time. Alot of other friendships that did not seem beneficial. Down the drain.

Really, this is how I feel. I feel like I have been completely walked over. I feel like someone who I confided in so much... has just left me hanging.

And Don't get me wrong; I have some beautiful, wonderful, friends who love me, and put alot of effort into our friendship.

I guess, I'm just frustrated that something that I tried so hard on failed. Its kind of like putting all of your effort into a test; and bombing it.

"Still, you sent your Son to us... You are on our side." - Bethany Dillon

I don't think many read this, oh well.

Well. I think I found the answer to that question. The question that has been in my mind since the age of four. "What are you going to be when you grow up?". At the age of 8, I would have told you I wanted to be a dentist. At 10, a hair-dresser. 15 a doctor. 17 a cosmotologist. 18 a nurse.... and here I am, 19 years old.. after seeking God....

When I grow up, i'm going to be a teacher.

I am going to complete my undergrad here at OBU with a Degree in Elementary Education (possibly a minor in Children's Ministry, if it will fit)
After graduating, I'm going to get a job being a first or second grade teacher at an Elementary School.
Soon After graduating, I'm going to go to Seminary (I don't know where yet, I can decide that later) and possibly get a Masters of Divinity.
What will I do with that? First of all, Knowledge. I desire so very strongly to know the bible and my creator better - So i can tell more and more people about Him. Hopefully, after I go through seminary, I can be a Girls/Womens minister along side an Elementary Teacher.

Right now, this is just what God has told me to do. Who knows what the rest will hold.


:)

Class hasn't even started.

I was sitting in the book study for the new students "The Idea of a Christian College" with Dr. Kelly today. He was going over a few chapters... meanwhile, I'm sitting back, relaxing, (instead of taking notes like last year).. and he said something that was so profound... well, in my life.
I had changed plans for college. I planned to go to OBU, until my senior year. I decided, that I would go to Oklahoma State. I was talking to my youth pastor one day after church.. and he said, "So, why aren't you going to go to OBU anymore?" My answer was: "I don't want my religion spoon fed to me."
Today while watching the freshman scrummage for notes in Dr.Kellys class, I realized that I finally got to take in what He was saying in his book study. All Truth is Gods - understanding ALL types of truth (even secular truth) connects us with our creator; to ultimately see God in ALL truth.
I took my freshman year for granted. I went to class, studied, had a social life, and made the grades. But, I forgot that when I study ANYTHING, just not new or old testament.. I'm worshiping God. Academics are a part of worship and obedience to God. Because All Truth is Gods. Literature. Math. Science. Truth. It's all Gods.
This was worship today.My God,is true.Creation.. it is crying out to its creator.And ultimately, i'm worshiping.
"The person who knows only his or her bible knows not even that!" - Dr. Kelly

... He didn't throw the stones...

I should be sleeping. Oh well.
The Lord is so good. Through the whole summer, I prayed that God would lead me to a new church.. where I would be involved and not just another member. My home church is going through a big time right now. We don't have any staff, and all of our programs are beginning to dwindle down.
This summer, God told me that I needed to get in touch with people who have left church. They have graduated, and left. And Then he told me that I would reach so many people my age if we just opened up a ministry for them.
Then today, the guy who is stepping in as Youth Pastor at my church pulled me aside and said, "heather, how would you feel about starting a college ministry"..

God uses people. Ordinary people. For huge tasks. I am so thrilled.

Please be praying for this new ministry. Pray that we draw more people to seek Christ's face, and that God would be the Author of all of this.

Thanks, guys.

I have always loved to know whats going on. Knowing secrets. You know, girl stuff. I cannot even comprehend what God is doing right now. He's acting like I do to my dog - I wave these dog treats in the air... to watch her head turn every which way - she jumps up and tries to grab the treat and i move it above my head so she can't reach. All Lacey knows is that it will be rewarding - and it will be the best DARN treat she's ever had because she worked for it.

Thats what I feel like right now. Im sitting in Gods presence... and he is waving this amazing future above my head - i keep trying to jump up and grab it to see whats inside.. but he waves it over his head so I can't reach.

I don't know what God's plans for my life are. Boy, would I love to know right now. All I know, is that in everything I do, I say, and I think.. I must bring him glory.

This summer, I really opened my eyes to see the deaf community - how often they are ignored. They can't communicate with an ordinary person... they can only talk to those who can understand signlanguage. I have a heart for the deaf. I have this passion to learn sign language. To translate. To love the deaf.

But I don't know where God wants to take me with that passion. OBU doesn't offer Sign Language Interpretation. OSU OKC does.

This would all just be better if I knew Gods plans for me. I guess this is where I trust Him in return, huh?