Should I pray for Peace? or Should I pray for war?

Tonight, I went to Canterbury. I could not help but notice something while i was singing praises to my King. [I worship the lord the best when I can see the spirit of God moving within people. ]So, today I observed while I sung. It seemed to me that at the same time, on the "E" chord, eyes closed. when the chorus came - hands were raised. It was this way the whole night.

Why have we let worshiping our KING become such a routine that we know when we close our eyes, we know when to raise our hands, and surprisingly we know when to "sit down and pray". This has aggrivated me. We completley take advantage of a time with our Savior - an intimate time that not alot of people overseas even get to have.

All I'm saying - get out of your routine. Become completley broken - fall on your knees, your face if you have to.

Who in the world am I?

Really? Who in the world stole my heart?
What monster have I turned into?

The past... countless entries in my prayer journal are so hard for me to read. I am going through Psalms. Its so surprising to me, how what the Psalmist is describing.. is describing my life to a "T". In Psalm 116, the Psalmist says, "I love the Lord because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. the snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!' ".

Deliver my soul, O God. I am crying out in desperation. Change me, again, Lord. Mold me to what you want me to look like. Show me your brilliant masterpiece; I am Yours! I am created to shout glory to You; to make your name famous!

Lord, It's hard living this life alone. I know you've been by me this whole time.. But God I don't feel your presence. Show me your presence, your love, your grace... God... please find me.
comfort me. Please show me an unsurpassing peace. Show me your glory, your presence.
I love you, Lord.

Just when things were getting better.

Just when things were getting better, of course, the world has to crash.

Have you ever had THAT friend? I mean, the one that you prayed for since you were six years old?
I met that friend. And, to me... she was my best friend in the world. I would not have traded her for anything.
but, of course. Every good thing has an ending. She dropped out of school, and I guess when she did that, she decided to drop out of my life, too. ...
When you have a friend, who was at one point, a very good friend, drop out of your life, won't answer your calls, won't call you, won't speak to you.. It hurts. I feel like a part of me is lost. Tonight, I have said things... that honestly I do not regret. i put so much time, effort, and care into that friendship that is completley wasted now.

I feel like I keep setting myself up for failure. And, somehow I keep doing it. I know the Lord will take care of me. I just feel so very alone right now. I feel like I will live in this depression for a long time. I need out of this Pit. I need YHWH to come rescue me. I need you, precious Jesus. I'm lonely. I need you more than I ever have before. Please.

patience, patience, patience

Sometimes I feel as if my life is falling apart.

I just feel so much depression right now. And, I haven't felt that in a long time.
I don't know what it is. I'm really trying to be happy, put on a happy face around people...
but i'm not.

I'm just lonely - and... I'm not talking about relationship terms here. I am just flat out lonely. In friendships. I feel so very two faced... because I can't be real with my friends, and I would rather not burden them with my very simple problems.

I'm learning that my best friends are the friends I have left behind. The ones Jesus told me were not good for me. .... Really? I guess the Lord is trying to teach me I have got to start relying on Him ;... I just thought I had that all figured out. But, I guess thats where I failed.

I went home this weekend.

It was exactly what I needed. Away from OBU, really helped me sort through my emotions/feelings. I have discovered, though, I have become so depressed this year. I don't know if it's stress, lost friendships, or just a change of scenery. I have found that I am completley unhappy with anything except for my gracious heavenly Father. I haven't hit rock-bottom like this in a very, very long time. I can assure you of that. I've forgotten what it feels like to plead the Lord.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. This is very frustrating to me. I thought elementary ed. But, praying about it.. I don't have a surpassing peace that I should do that for the rest of my life. What I want to study, Bible or Biblical Languages, is so very interesting to me. Historically seeing where the bible is coming from is so wonderful to me. But, lets remember that I am a woman, and women are discouraged from being in the ministry. I don't know where the world got the idea that women can only be missionaries or pastors wives, but I strive to teach truth to girls and women. This is where my heart is. Do I get a business degree so I can actually have a job when I graduate? I've also thought about Pre-Dentistry. I've always loved teeth, and I really enjoy smiling, and I wish everyone would smile. I think it's a great way to share Christ's love.
If I did Pre-Dentistry, I would have to leave OBU after I finished that part of the degree, and move on to OU Medical Center Dentistry School to become a dental hygenist.

Also, if I still don't know what I want to even major in by the end of J-Term next year... do I drop out of school, so I'm not wasting my time and money dabbling in areas that I first like and once I study I don't?

Let me tell ya. Growing up is hard. I have never even wished upon myself I would say this again, but I wish I were back in highschool... Lame, I know.

CRISIS.

I do believe that Jesus Christ is coming back very very soon.
And honestly, sooner than I thought.

And basically, all I have to say... is we can't wait for our "Education to be Done" before we start sharing the gospel with our neighbors, our cashiers, our friends, and sadly to say our family. It's time to step up to the plate. Really. And I'll begin. Right now.

This live is not about us. Nor has it ever been. This life is about bringing glory to Christ. Bringing glory to his name, making him famous. I may not be able to go overseas right now.. but my mission field is here.

I enjoy posting. Is that weird?

I'm in the middle of a study break. I have so much on my mind. Seriously.
I have the lowest self esteem out of anyone I know. Or, anyone I have ever thought of.

Lately, I just haven't really relied on God. I mean... relied on God. I haven't put my whole weight. My every trust in Him. I think thats why I've been having such a lousy week. I can't trust my creator... If I can't trust my creator... who IS there to trust?
I read in the bible this week Psalm 56:8... that God keeps all of our tossings and tears in a bottle.

My God... keeps all of my tears.. next to Him. In a bottle.

Why, I'm sure the psalmist was using figurative language here, I want to believe that I have a bottle next to my Adonai. One with my name on it. My new name. From when I became a believer.

This is all. It was a rambling of a sort, but, I just felt like I needed someone to talk to.

Goodnight.