Dear Websters Dictionary,

I must disagree with you. I looked up the word 'church' in your dictionary today, and was shocked to find seventeen definitions for the word. Are you kidding me, Websters? Not only did I believe that possibly there would be two; maybe three definitions, and not one of them would be right.

Can I please tell you what "church" means? Well, you don't have an option. Church - a group of people who identify themselves as a body of Christ and act as such.

Brothers and Sisters... WE are the church. I don't know why we have gotten church mixed up with a building (definition 2). The building we go to? I do not see it as a church. It is a BUILDING for crying out loud. If you were to tell me that building is the church, that makes me a 2 x 4 and i personally don't think Christ designed me that way.

On Sunday morning, I went to worship with fellow believers in Tulsa, OK. At lunch, Deanna, E-Pot, and myself stopped at Ted's before coming back to Shawnee. We ran into people that we worshiped YHWH with that morning. They said to us, "Well, since we are all family, why don't we take our two tables and put them together?"...

Friends, THIS is what fellowship means. Not your stupid wednesday night dinners that I personally am not going to pay for when you won't even sit with anyone other than your "sunday school class".

Peace,
Heather

Deeper, Deeper, Deeper in love with you...

I don't know what has overcome me. I do know, that I have no idea who this master I serve is.
All my life, this has all been an act, a show. Up until this summer. This summer, I became REAL with myself, with the people I was around... and even the thousands of students I came in contact with. Now, I'm back at school, and the Fall Semester is coming to a close. People are looking at an act.
I began at the age of 13 - reading my bible, and recording my quiet times to go on a mission trip. Are you kidding me? This started my pride. I boasted in the fact that I had a quiet time every day. My mom, every morning would tell me she was so proud of me for my walk with God.

what walk with God?

I want my roots to grow deeper, not wider.
I want to do things to further the kingdom of my father.
not to further my pride.

Father, move in my life, and move like you never have before.

Lately I've been thinking...

My heart hurts, and it aches for this apathy that has seem to over come me. It is apathy, but at the same time, some of the biggest passion i've ever had. I feel almost too far away to help. This... poverty, homeless, broken, abused people... I can't get them out of my head.

Jesus was not religious. I don't know when we began to think that going to church, donating money to charity were all ways of giving the gospel to someone.. but i've discovered that what these people want the MOST out of anything... is for someone to love them... without exactly finances. They want attention, they want love, and they want to know the answers to life.

I've been recently challeged to get out of my "Church" bubble, and really go and do what Jesus did - get DIRTY, and go love the unlovelies.

Join me.

Should I pray for Peace? or Should I pray for war?

Tonight, I went to Canterbury. I could not help but notice something while i was singing praises to my King. [I worship the lord the best when I can see the spirit of God moving within people. ]So, today I observed while I sung. It seemed to me that at the same time, on the "E" chord, eyes closed. when the chorus came - hands were raised. It was this way the whole night.

Why have we let worshiping our KING become such a routine that we know when we close our eyes, we know when to raise our hands, and surprisingly we know when to "sit down and pray". This has aggrivated me. We completley take advantage of a time with our Savior - an intimate time that not alot of people overseas even get to have.

All I'm saying - get out of your routine. Become completley broken - fall on your knees, your face if you have to.

Who in the world am I?

Really? Who in the world stole my heart?
What monster have I turned into?

The past... countless entries in my prayer journal are so hard for me to read. I am going through Psalms. Its so surprising to me, how what the Psalmist is describing.. is describing my life to a "T". In Psalm 116, the Psalmist says, "I love the Lord because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. the snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!' ".

Deliver my soul, O God. I am crying out in desperation. Change me, again, Lord. Mold me to what you want me to look like. Show me your brilliant masterpiece; I am Yours! I am created to shout glory to You; to make your name famous!

Lord, It's hard living this life alone. I know you've been by me this whole time.. But God I don't feel your presence. Show me your presence, your love, your grace... God... please find me.
comfort me. Please show me an unsurpassing peace. Show me your glory, your presence.
I love you, Lord.

Just when things were getting better.

Just when things were getting better, of course, the world has to crash.

Have you ever had THAT friend? I mean, the one that you prayed for since you were six years old?
I met that friend. And, to me... she was my best friend in the world. I would not have traded her for anything.
but, of course. Every good thing has an ending. She dropped out of school, and I guess when she did that, she decided to drop out of my life, too. ...
When you have a friend, who was at one point, a very good friend, drop out of your life, won't answer your calls, won't call you, won't speak to you.. It hurts. I feel like a part of me is lost. Tonight, I have said things... that honestly I do not regret. i put so much time, effort, and care into that friendship that is completley wasted now.

I feel like I keep setting myself up for failure. And, somehow I keep doing it. I know the Lord will take care of me. I just feel so very alone right now. I feel like I will live in this depression for a long time. I need out of this Pit. I need YHWH to come rescue me. I need you, precious Jesus. I'm lonely. I need you more than I ever have before. Please.

patience, patience, patience

Sometimes I feel as if my life is falling apart.

I just feel so much depression right now. And, I haven't felt that in a long time.
I don't know what it is. I'm really trying to be happy, put on a happy face around people...
but i'm not.

I'm just lonely - and... I'm not talking about relationship terms here. I am just flat out lonely. In friendships. I feel so very two faced... because I can't be real with my friends, and I would rather not burden them with my very simple problems.

I'm learning that my best friends are the friends I have left behind. The ones Jesus told me were not good for me. .... Really? I guess the Lord is trying to teach me I have got to start relying on Him ;... I just thought I had that all figured out. But, I guess thats where I failed.