Breaking up is hard to do...

It occurred to me last night that What God talks about in his word is so relevant to us today. He calls us, as his Church, His bride. What a beautiful picture.

Recently (for those of you who do not keep up with my blog) I recently ended an unhealthy 6 year relationship. I was [and still could say I am] in love with this boy. He's perfect to me, and I'm so happy around him anytime I get the chance. But, something just wasn't right. I know for a fact that I am called to serve in ministry, and missions. His heart just wasn't in the same place mine is in. We both were too scared to commit, I think.

The funny thing is - is that's what we do to God. We could marry him, he IS perfect for us - we just don't want to commit. I know how God feels now, to have is heart attached to me while I run to other things that really don't concern him at all.


Father, help me be closer to you. Help me live as a member of your bride. Amen

Well, I did it.

It is over. I can't believe I did it. I flat out told him he wasn't the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (which is a bummer. really), and it would be best if we didn't see each other for awhile.

How Liberating.

I don't know how he's taking it. I think it scares him - that the girl thats been his crutch for 6 years now is tired of being there. I'm scared too, little does he know. But I'm ready to move on.... maybe. He's been my crutch for 6 years now, too.

Praise the Lord. Thank you Lord for revealing to me that you have better plans for me than I do. Thank you for loving me more than any man could.

Another thing I did: bake a cake from scratch. This is a first for me. I'm baking it for a few friends birthdays... a joint birthday party! I'm making icing from scratch, too. I hope they turn out good.

You're beautiful...

Boy, is life hard or what?

I really have been discouraged lately. It seems as if my friends don't really want to be my friends. They would rather spend time with each other apart from me... and I just don't understand. I knew leaving over January would cause others to be closer to each other. And that just worries me now, because I'm stuck where I used to be with people, and they have already progressed.

I don't mean to have a pity party.. I just am so frustrated with it. I'm ready to feel welcomed again. The enemy will do anything to steal, kill, and destroy. Even if it is good for one set of people. Isn't it crazy how God works like that? And the enemy uses his power to take the goodness of Gods plan, and make it deceiving and hurtful to someone else.

I am thankful I have friends, today. Because I remember just a few years ago that I desperately prayed that I would meet some girls who encourage me. They do.

On the bright side, today I am celebrating about a month and a half of not talking to Mr. Fickle. I have to admit; it has never felt this good. My dad brought him up the other day, and I said, "You know, I don't know, and I don't care. Actually, I do. I care that he is unhappy the rest of his life". Now, before you go all 'love your neighbor, love your enemy' on me, know that I do care about his life. I am just glad he isn't in mine.... anymore.



Lord, thank you for continuing to love me. Thank you for an answered prayer request. Thank you for your blessings in my life. Please help me - please don't let the enemy discourage me. Amen.

Hey, America!

I'm in a bit of culture shock. I've been home for exactly one week today, and all I want right now is some tomato-egg and rice! Oh, and hot tea of course. Going to the North Chinese restaurant down the street (and across the world) would be nice for joutsa.

Father really taught me alot. He showed me that he loves each one of us - and not just believers. He loves ALL of us. He loves those who worship a false god, he loves those who burn incense to their ancestors. He loves those who live life in fear with superstitions. He loves those who deny him as creator. He loves those who proclaim who he is. All of us, he loves equally. Only a King would do anything for his kingdom...

I feel like i've really matured since being home. In my faith that is (because we all know I'm just a little girl at heart ;]) I can't really explain it... but I have a change and newness about it. Father is doing some good things in my heart that I am finally giving him permission to. It's good.

It's snowy here! They called a snowday when it was 55 degrees outside... and now I'm stuck in my apartment in -20 degree weather. AWESOME. I need some more to do... and I need to clean my room. So I guess it's good I'm cooped up.

Ramblings of a confused heart.

I get into this predicament at LEAST twice, maybe 3 times a semester.

Well It happened again. It usually happens about in the same time as a plateau in my spiritual walk (coincidence?).

Of course, its a boy.

And of COURSE, it's the same boy.

I really can't take this anymore.

My parents think we are getting married.

His parents think we are getting married.

His siblings think we are getting married.

WE think we are getting married.

but we also realize how terribly wrong we are for each other.

Well, maybe on my end. I feel I would actually be a pretty good fit for him. But him for me? HECK NO. Well. Yes, except for one huge huge concept:

He doesn't love Jesus like a man should.

Which is my biggest problem with him. actually, my only problem with him.

He also says he doesn't have the desire, longing, or devotion like I have to my King.

Well, dangit. I mean, at least if he had the desire, I could compromise, right? I mean really... it sucks feeling like you are throwing the love of your life out of the window. Someone (personality wise) that you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. All because of one thing.

But its the biggest thing.

And in my sinful, human mind... this doesn't all seem to add up.

Oh Lord, Guard my heart. Love me more and more intimate than any man ever will. I pray for his heart God. Not because I want to date him, but because I want him to long for you. I want him to experience and love you more than he ever has. Lord, you are good.

All I'm asking, is that you won't be like the rest.

Please, don't grab my heart and string it 3,000 miles away.

Please, if you aren't interested, stop acting as such.

You are amazing. Please don't prove me wrong.

Oh, Dad.

This is from a sermon. I Just wanted to post it somewhere.

Verse: Hebrews 12. Listen to it on iTunes - type in Frontline podcasts, and then listen to Ecclesia (its the newest one)

“you serve a guy who got cruicified. There was a moment in your life where you said, “I want to follow jesus”, I want be a diciple of Jesus.. and what you might have failed to recognize is that people treated jesus like CRAP.

Jesus’ family didn’t understand him

Jesus’ friends bailed on him in his darkest hour.

Jesus learned obedience from the things he suffered.

He’s getting in our face, saying “stop being so flippin’ soft”… “Suck it up”

What made you think following a guy that got murdered would be easy? The safest place to be is inside of God’s will – REALLY?? – it wasn’t for peter, peter got cruicifed upside down.

Maybe God is allowing you to go through hard times – because he is trying to dicipline you… and make you more like jesus… so are you aren’t spoiled and rotten and get everything you want.