Hey, America!

I'm in a bit of culture shock. I've been home for exactly one week today, and all I want right now is some tomato-egg and rice! Oh, and hot tea of course. Going to the North Chinese restaurant down the street (and across the world) would be nice for joutsa.

Father really taught me alot. He showed me that he loves each one of us - and not just believers. He loves ALL of us. He loves those who worship a false god, he loves those who burn incense to their ancestors. He loves those who live life in fear with superstitions. He loves those who deny him as creator. He loves those who proclaim who he is. All of us, he loves equally. Only a King would do anything for his kingdom...

I feel like i've really matured since being home. In my faith that is (because we all know I'm just a little girl at heart ;]) I can't really explain it... but I have a change and newness about it. Father is doing some good things in my heart that I am finally giving him permission to. It's good.

It's snowy here! They called a snowday when it was 55 degrees outside... and now I'm stuck in my apartment in -20 degree weather. AWESOME. I need some more to do... and I need to clean my room. So I guess it's good I'm cooped up.

Ramblings of a confused heart.

I get into this predicament at LEAST twice, maybe 3 times a semester.

Well It happened again. It usually happens about in the same time as a plateau in my spiritual walk (coincidence?).

Of course, its a boy.

And of COURSE, it's the same boy.

I really can't take this anymore.

My parents think we are getting married.

His parents think we are getting married.

His siblings think we are getting married.

WE think we are getting married.

but we also realize how terribly wrong we are for each other.

Well, maybe on my end. I feel I would actually be a pretty good fit for him. But him for me? HECK NO. Well. Yes, except for one huge huge concept:

He doesn't love Jesus like a man should.

Which is my biggest problem with him. actually, my only problem with him.

He also says he doesn't have the desire, longing, or devotion like I have to my King.

Well, dangit. I mean, at least if he had the desire, I could compromise, right? I mean really... it sucks feeling like you are throwing the love of your life out of the window. Someone (personality wise) that you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. All because of one thing.

But its the biggest thing.

And in my sinful, human mind... this doesn't all seem to add up.

Oh Lord, Guard my heart. Love me more and more intimate than any man ever will. I pray for his heart God. Not because I want to date him, but because I want him to long for you. I want him to experience and love you more than he ever has. Lord, you are good.

All I'm asking, is that you won't be like the rest.

Please, don't grab my heart and string it 3,000 miles away.

Please, if you aren't interested, stop acting as such.

You are amazing. Please don't prove me wrong.

Oh, Dad.

This is from a sermon. I Just wanted to post it somewhere.

Verse: Hebrews 12. Listen to it on iTunes - type in Frontline podcasts, and then listen to Ecclesia (its the newest one)

“you serve a guy who got cruicified. There was a moment in your life where you said, “I want to follow jesus”, I want be a diciple of Jesus.. and what you might have failed to recognize is that people treated jesus like CRAP.

Jesus’ family didn’t understand him

Jesus’ friends bailed on him in his darkest hour.

Jesus learned obedience from the things he suffered.

He’s getting in our face, saying “stop being so flippin’ soft”… “Suck it up”

What made you think following a guy that got murdered would be easy? The safest place to be is inside of God’s will – REALLY?? – it wasn’t for peter, peter got cruicifed upside down.

Maybe God is allowing you to go through hard times – because he is trying to dicipline you… and make you more like jesus… so are you aren’t spoiled and rotten and get everything you want.

I've got a lesson to learn...

Life lately has been tough. I have gone through this phase that I cry every single day at the same time (which I hear is healthy to set apart a time each day to grieve... but thats beside the point).

I've felt lonely so many times lately, and I think thats for the Lord's purpose... even as much as it hurts my own heart. The Lord has been trying to catch me. First, I was just running off on my own saying, "no, Lord... I don't need you right now". Which I'm sure has broken His heart. He gave me a taste of my own medicine. There were times that I would want to be with someone, and either plans broke... or they said they couldn't... and It began to break my heart. To care about someone, and not be able to spend time with them downright SUCKS. Yep, I know how Jesus feels.

So then I hurt my knee. This seems to be a consistent theme in November every year for me. So I go to the Doctor, and he takes a few x-rays. When he shows them to me... he says, "see this? this is a chipped bone in your knee, and I'm not super sure how you managed to do that". I'm thinking to myself... "Great. This is just what I need". The doctor says, "We'll do an MRI, and then we will come back and talk about when you will have surgery". Great news. Im about to have surgery AND head halfway across the world within 6 weeks.

So, I live with a week of crutches... and that was painful in itself. Not just on my body, but mentally too. I began to have to rely on other people to do small tasks i've been able to do my whole life. Such as... opening a door... or getting my food... stuff like that.

I needed to get groceries, so I was walking [crutching] into wal mart the other day... and these people said, "Hey, can I pray for you?". First of all, I'm not about to turn down prayer... but second of all... you are standing outside asking people if you can PRAY for them?? are you kidding me? So, of course I say yes. The girl came and put her hand on my knee, and began to pray for me. I didn't feel anything, I'll admit..... ANNND I was a wee bit skeptical. After she was done, she said, "does it feel any different?" I said not really, but it doesn't hurt all the time either.... I went in and made a point not to talk to them on my way out.

[Disclaimer: I've always been a little skeptical of people who say they can heal... its not talked about in a Baptist Church... neither is the Holy Spirit... plus.. it scared me.]

Later that day, I caught myself walking completely normal without my crutches. I started thinking, "are you kidding me??" So I am thinking, "how do I even explain this tomorrow??" So I used my crutches anyways.

That's the God I serve.

I went to the doctor today to read my MRI tests. The doctor looked at me and said, "are you feeling better?" I replied with "yes, alot better actually... thanks!". And he said, well, thats good, because we can't find anything wrong.. theres no torn tissue... no torn or stretched ligaments... and we can't even find evidence of that bone we saw in the x-ray.".... Uhm... hi... Doctor...?

Thats the God I serve. He is a miracle worker. He's my physician. He healed me, when I needed to obey Him the most.

That's the God I serve.

Sometimes, loving people like Jesus doesn't come naturally for me. I fail when it comes to treating someone like they were created by the king of the universe.

I'm afraid that I will never fully understand what God's love means. My father has never shown me his love. It was when I was 17 years old that he first told me that he loved me.. And I can't recall even the last time I heard it.... Much less showed it. He has always been preoccupied with other things: fishing, his job, smoking... Putting my mom and I both dead last in his life.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to understand my heavenly fathers love for me. I associate "father" with things that only make me upset- someone who has always let me down, who doesn't know how to love me, and someone who has anger issues. But... My heavenly father is not like that. My heavenly father loves me unconditionally. He knows where the hardest and softest parts of my heart are.. And he doesn't get angry when I have a misconception of who he is.

Lord, please help me associate who YOU are with good things. Show me what father truly means. Please help me see my earthly father as you see him.

And these are my confessions...

1. I thoroughly enjoy autumn. The colors, smells, the dryness of the hair, the crisp morning breeze... It is all so very lovely.

2. I haven't dated since high school. Somedays, this kills me... but other days I'm so grateful. The 2 boys I dated in high school: one is married to a girl he cheated on me with & the other is a bum. Looks like it wouldn't have worked out either way!

3. I have never had a great communication system with my family. We get along, but we just don't have those "things" other families do.

4. My father didn't tell me he loved me until I was 17 years old... after I threatened to run away.

5. My junior and senior years of high school were both the best and the worst years of my life.

6. I wouldn't call myself a feminist, but I would say that women should not make 77 cents to every mans dollar. Also, i am a firm believer that a woman CAN go into vocational ministry. Also, I think that it is perfectly fine for a girl not to wait around for a boy.

7. Somedays, I very seriously think I will end up single because I am so strong-willed, and carry alot of leadership roles.

8. I looove to sew, paint, and vintage shop. I think that these things are so very relaxing, and I can't wait until I have time to do it again!

9. Guilty Pleasure: pajamas all day + movies + ice cream + no need to get ready or put on makeup.

10. I'm an only child. I try really hard to not act like it. I like to think I'm doing a good job at that, too. I also have the BEST sisters a girl could ask for.

11. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I want to go into ministry somehow - what that looks like, I have no idea. My ultimate dream is to work for or start a girls ministry that does not just focus on the "typical girls" in todays culture. I just want to tell them how beautiful they are and what a wonderful King is pursuing after their heart.

12. I grew fond of the country of Bhutan this summer. One of the least evangelized countries in the world - and I've come in contact with M's there. One day, I will go there, and I will love on those people. They are the most precious people to me. I might start crying thinking about them.