Sometimes the hardest thing and right thing are the same.

If God's will was the fence, I was walking right next to it.

It hit me today: If we are walking in God's will - we don't need to search, look, or try to be "found" or "complete" in someone. My good friend Kevin was giving me some relationship advice.. and it really sunk in. If I am seeking passionately after the heart of God, and my future husband (wherever he may or may not be) is passionatley seeking the heart of God... there will be no question.
For the past four years, I have been "on and off" dating with a boy. Four years ago, he was the MAN of my DREAMS! Our families thought the same... to add on top of it. Since then, I've planned my life around him. And i know... all you out there are throwing up your flags for me. I gotcha.. it just took me longer to learn. Anyways, in January, words were exchanged between us. I considered leaving OBU to move home and be with him. I decided that wasn't smart; we would just spend summer together this summer. Please realize that this is taking me out of any ministry opportunity that could cross my path. I decided not to go back to falls creek, because I wanted to be with him.
It hit me.
I was giving up who I was... and who Christ has called me to be, and what Christ has called me to do... for this........ boy.
I am ashamed of myself daily. I can't believe I let my emotions get that far ahead of my mindset with Christ in it.

I called everything in the world off with him. which is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. To not have him in my life is so different and mysterious to me. I don't know how to act around guys any more. I don't know even where to start... because I have always had this mindset that I didn't need to worry about it, I had him.

God's will is sometimes the suckiest thing in the world (well, at the current time). I must say that sometimes, I don't trust God enough to give him the things that I care most about. Boy, have I learned my lesson. Letting go of my will.... and leaving my hands open for His.