I went home this weekend.

It was exactly what I needed. Away from OBU, really helped me sort through my emotions/feelings. I have discovered, though, I have become so depressed this year. I don't know if it's stress, lost friendships, or just a change of scenery. I have found that I am completley unhappy with anything except for my gracious heavenly Father. I haven't hit rock-bottom like this in a very, very long time. I can assure you of that. I've forgotten what it feels like to plead the Lord.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. This is very frustrating to me. I thought elementary ed. But, praying about it.. I don't have a surpassing peace that I should do that for the rest of my life. What I want to study, Bible or Biblical Languages, is so very interesting to me. Historically seeing where the bible is coming from is so wonderful to me. But, lets remember that I am a woman, and women are discouraged from being in the ministry. I don't know where the world got the idea that women can only be missionaries or pastors wives, but I strive to teach truth to girls and women. This is where my heart is. Do I get a business degree so I can actually have a job when I graduate? I've also thought about Pre-Dentistry. I've always loved teeth, and I really enjoy smiling, and I wish everyone would smile. I think it's a great way to share Christ's love.
If I did Pre-Dentistry, I would have to leave OBU after I finished that part of the degree, and move on to OU Medical Center Dentistry School to become a dental hygenist.

Also, if I still don't know what I want to even major in by the end of J-Term next year... do I drop out of school, so I'm not wasting my time and money dabbling in areas that I first like and once I study I don't?

Let me tell ya. Growing up is hard. I have never even wished upon myself I would say this again, but I wish I were back in highschool... Lame, I know.

CRISIS.

I do believe that Jesus Christ is coming back very very soon.
And honestly, sooner than I thought.

And basically, all I have to say... is we can't wait for our "Education to be Done" before we start sharing the gospel with our neighbors, our cashiers, our friends, and sadly to say our family. It's time to step up to the plate. Really. And I'll begin. Right now.

This live is not about us. Nor has it ever been. This life is about bringing glory to Christ. Bringing glory to his name, making him famous. I may not be able to go overseas right now.. but my mission field is here.

I enjoy posting. Is that weird?

I'm in the middle of a study break. I have so much on my mind. Seriously.
I have the lowest self esteem out of anyone I know. Or, anyone I have ever thought of.

Lately, I just haven't really relied on God. I mean... relied on God. I haven't put my whole weight. My every trust in Him. I think thats why I've been having such a lousy week. I can't trust my creator... If I can't trust my creator... who IS there to trust?
I read in the bible this week Psalm 56:8... that God keeps all of our tossings and tears in a bottle.

My God... keeps all of my tears.. next to Him. In a bottle.

Why, I'm sure the psalmist was using figurative language here, I want to believe that I have a bottle next to my Adonai. One with my name on it. My new name. From when I became a believer.

This is all. It was a rambling of a sort, but, I just felt like I needed someone to talk to.

Goodnight.

So, lets just be real. As if we aren't already.

I know what this is. I know that I'm getting my hopes up... trying my hardest not to even look in your direction. Somewhere, along the way, you will look in mine. You will see the same girl you have seen since you met her. I act the same way I have always acted around you - which is definatley a plus for me. You will see me, and you won't ever know the way I feel about you. How bad I desperately want to tell you. But one, I will not... and I refuse to make the first move. You have become something to me I honestly didn't expect, and didn't wish upon myself. But Now, I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to choose a different girl. I want you to choose me. I want you to fall in love with me.

This, I almost know a fact will never happen. Which, deep down... wait, not even deep down... it just hurts. I have not had feelings for someone like this in a very long time. And, I'm actually surprised that I am interested in someone. It has taken me so very long to get over heartache - and you have shown me something spectacular.

This friendship, has been something beautiful. I'm so very glad to call you a friend, and i'm even prideful to call you my best friend. You make me laugh like noone else could, and the very thought of you puts a smile on my face. My mom even said, "Heather, i don't even know him, but I love the smile and the laugh you have when you talk about him. I like the way he makes you smile". I haven't smiled in a long time. I mean, I have. But not like the smile I have when I'm around you.

This is me. Getting my emotions out. Because there is absolutley no way that I could EVER tell anyone... especially my closest friends about this.

"Don't want you to leave"

We were passing by clouds
It was two in the morning
I was sitting in the passenger seat
and you looked at me and said
this is my most sacred spot
i knew you meant something to me...

We went into that place
you sang me that old song
the day you kissed me close
we laughed all day long
i remember when
the sun was shining on your face
it was that very day
i knew love had taken place

Oh, You mean somethin' to me
more than i thought you would
more than i need
and oh, please take your time,
i want this to be right
and i don't, no i don't
want you to leave

Disappointed.

So I get flustered sometimes.
When... a beautiful friendship goes down the drain.
I mean, really.. who wouldn't?

I don't feel one sided friendships, though, were actually friendships in the first place.
I put so much effort into it. It was my first REAL good friend since I got out of highschool. The first person I really connected with move in day of my freshman year in college.
Alot of effort. Alot of time. Alot of other friendships that did not seem beneficial. Down the drain.

Really, this is how I feel. I feel like I have been completely walked over. I feel like someone who I confided in so much... has just left me hanging.

And Don't get me wrong; I have some beautiful, wonderful, friends who love me, and put alot of effort into our friendship.

I guess, I'm just frustrated that something that I tried so hard on failed. Its kind of like putting all of your effort into a test; and bombing it.

"Still, you sent your Son to us... You are on our side." - Bethany Dillon

I don't think many read this, oh well.

Well. I think I found the answer to that question. The question that has been in my mind since the age of four. "What are you going to be when you grow up?". At the age of 8, I would have told you I wanted to be a dentist. At 10, a hair-dresser. 15 a doctor. 17 a cosmotologist. 18 a nurse.... and here I am, 19 years old.. after seeking God....

When I grow up, i'm going to be a teacher.

I am going to complete my undergrad here at OBU with a Degree in Elementary Education (possibly a minor in Children's Ministry, if it will fit)
After graduating, I'm going to get a job being a first or second grade teacher at an Elementary School.
Soon After graduating, I'm going to go to Seminary (I don't know where yet, I can decide that later) and possibly get a Masters of Divinity.
What will I do with that? First of all, Knowledge. I desire so very strongly to know the bible and my creator better - So i can tell more and more people about Him. Hopefully, after I go through seminary, I can be a Girls/Womens minister along side an Elementary Teacher.

Right now, this is just what God has told me to do. Who knows what the rest will hold.


:)