And these are my confessions...

1. I thoroughly enjoy autumn. The colors, smells, the dryness of the hair, the crisp morning breeze... It is all so very lovely.

2. I haven't dated since high school. Somedays, this kills me... but other days I'm so grateful. The 2 boys I dated in high school: one is married to a girl he cheated on me with & the other is a bum. Looks like it wouldn't have worked out either way!

3. I have never had a great communication system with my family. We get along, but we just don't have those "things" other families do.

4. My father didn't tell me he loved me until I was 17 years old... after I threatened to run away.

5. My junior and senior years of high school were both the best and the worst years of my life.

6. I wouldn't call myself a feminist, but I would say that women should not make 77 cents to every mans dollar. Also, i am a firm believer that a woman CAN go into vocational ministry. Also, I think that it is perfectly fine for a girl not to wait around for a boy.

7. Somedays, I very seriously think I will end up single because I am so strong-willed, and carry alot of leadership roles.

8. I looove to sew, paint, and vintage shop. I think that these things are so very relaxing, and I can't wait until I have time to do it again!

9. Guilty Pleasure: pajamas all day + movies + ice cream + no need to get ready or put on makeup.

10. I'm an only child. I try really hard to not act like it. I like to think I'm doing a good job at that, too. I also have the BEST sisters a girl could ask for.

11. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I want to go into ministry somehow - what that looks like, I have no idea. My ultimate dream is to work for or start a girls ministry that does not just focus on the "typical girls" in todays culture. I just want to tell them how beautiful they are and what a wonderful King is pursuing after their heart.

12. I grew fond of the country of Bhutan this summer. One of the least evangelized countries in the world - and I've come in contact with M's there. One day, I will go there, and I will love on those people. They are the most precious people to me. I might start crying thinking about them.

6 steps back... and then 4 walls up

Oh, Lord, Protect me.

And if I can make a confession... My time is torn between a man who has won my affections... and the God who made me.

My heart is out there, again.  I threw it out there. 

Why do I do that? 

I knew I would get hurt. But, I think this time I was hoping for a chance that I wouldn't. Maybe this was the time that once I threw it... it would somehow land on a pillow, or in a foam pit instead of the concrete and into a million little pieces.  I haven't yet gotten hurt. I keep scraping my porcelain heart on the ground with a rope... bringing it in closer and closer as I take steps back, and throw more and more walls up.

At the same time as moving backwards and throwing walls up... I feel as if I'm walking closer and tearing walls down. Crazy, isn't it?

The thing is... I haven't met someone like you. Maybe if you weren't so shy, and I weren't so hesitant... this could all work out.

But then again, maybe not. I'll just keep dragging this heart across the pavement until you pick it up. 

Oh Lord, protect my heart. Don't let it be deceitful. 

PS. I really enjoy Grey Street.

its really over.

This is the longest I have gone without speaking to you.

and this is the happiest i've ever been.

Funny the way it is... One day, we were going to get married and grow old together. There was nothing better in the world. And then everything fell apart. And praise the Lord it did. My friends didn't like you, and would yell at me when we talked on hung out. My parents... well, they still ask about you all the time... but they are over it now.

I've moved on.

For the FIRST time in five years.

and I just can't tell you how good this feels.