Worst. Day and a half. Ever.

Rise and Shine its 8:15 AM. First task of the day: enroll in summer school. I take a shower, and get out... to find that all of my clothes are still in the washer. I put them in the dryer, and fix my hair and make up. I put on a floor-length dress (because I'm going to a funeral later), and head out the door.

As I get in my car, I realized I left my purse inside. I run back in to go get it, and sit back down in my car. The spaghetti strap on my dress ripped in half because it was held together by a dinky piece of plastic. I run back inside to fix it.

I drive to the community college. I get lost. I get lost in the parking lot with all of the 'One Way' signs. I finally find a parking spot. I trip as I get out of my car. I walk towards the school, and a rude boy looked at me like, "HEY, YOU DONT GO HERE". Correct. I don't.

So, I go to the Advising center - to enroll in College Algebra. [Three years past, I had taken 'Intermediate Algebra']. They tell me that if I want to be in their College Algebra online class [at the community college] then I would have to take 'Intermediate Algebra, again and then I could take College Algebra in the fall. Screw that idea.

I am angry, leave without buying my text-book and lab kit for my general biology class.

I drive down the road, get lost in the ghetto, because I am frustrated, feel like I'm going to get shot.

Come home and I'm starving. Mom doesn't want lunch.

I try to continue to write a paper, and then I get some discouraging news... which I will not share here.

THEN my mom gets a phone call from my grandma [nickname : DRAMA QUEEN] asking if we are going to the luncheon + graveside service. My mom says no to both because I have to be back at school.

My mom and I go to the funeral, and sit in the back... and my dress breaks... AGAIN. Not an easy fix with 100+ people around you. .... As we look to our left with the family is coming into the funeral service... there's my grandmother [DRAMA QUEEN] IN A WHEELCHAIR!!! She is perfectly capable of walking.

After the service, my mom and I waited in the foyer of the church. We wanted to see some family members. So, everyone comes out, and my moms cousins come up to her saying they almost threw my grandma off the wheelchair because she is causing so much drama. My grandma comes over and tries to interrupt us from our first time to see our relatives in maybe a year [disclaimer: my family isn't the closest, ever].

My great aunt jannie (who lives far away) asked me what I was studying in school. Told her 'Communications'. My grandma says, "Well, i've never heard of that! You never told me".... I was at her house two weeks ago and told her the same thing.

ANYWAYS.

The family gets mad at my mom and I because we weren't the ones pushing her around in the wheelchair. Oh well.

We get out of the church, and head home. It is currently 3:55. It takes about 20 minutes to drive home, and then I run inside my house, grab my stuff, and head out. I go to 7-11 to get some gas, and there are NO gas pumps for like 10 minutes. Every time one opens, someone else takes it.

So, I finally get my gas, and get on the road. It is about 4:30 by the time I get on the road, and I have to work at 5:00. I'm stressed out, and couldn't get anyone to take the first hour of my shift (finally did, thanks Sydney!)

I come back to school, eat a gross dinner... Sit down to write a paper, and then my date for Saturday [a sorority date party] cancels on me. Awesome. It's Wednesday.

So, I say whatever, and then I continue writing my paper. I have been messing with my jeans all day, and then all of the sudden : RIP.


Needless to say. It's been a horrid day. Hoping for a better one tomorrow.


I hope you found this humorous. I will tomorrow.

the best part of me was always you...

I'm tired of worrying about my future. More importantly, I'm tired of worrying about whether I will ever meet someone or not.

I guess I'm hopeful. I'm ready for this to work out, more ready than I'll ever be. but I guess it's not right. I'm losing hope - i'm almost done believing that it will ever happen.

I'm tired of pursuing things that never come to pass. I'm tired of hurting myself in the long run. I'm tired of boys hurting me.

I get discouraged so easily. I'm tired of being defined by who I am with. I need to work on myself. I need to learn how to worship my king asking nothing in return. He's already given me an abundant life. I shouldn't expect anything in return. I need to find my beauty in Him, my joy in Him, my passions... in Him. Not to please others.




yep. this is hard.

Wilderness

I'm better understanding lately that God proves himself. I am beginning to understand why I was taken into the wilderness. I was scared, angry... and now, I'm becoming okay with it [knowing i'm about to get scared on my way out...]

Since before spring break, I feel like God has placed a calling on my heart. He led me into the wilderness, and began to speak tenderly.

God sometimes has to completely tear apart our foundation. To build us deeper. So we will be taller. So we can bring our Father more glory.




Thank you, Lord for wrecking me. Allow me to follow you... even if its somewhere I'm not sure at this point I want to follow through with.

Seminary of Suffering.

Listen to this. Blog to come later.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/frontline-church-okc/id277862990

go to this website, then click on Life of David : Seminary of Suffering

Thank you God for being good.

sorry if you don't like pity parties...

A lot of the reason why I have this blog is so that I can put my excess thoughts somewhere - where maybe I think others will read it. It really helps me to just get it off my chest - and my feelings.

So, let me say that currently, in my life, I've been going through one of the deepest and darkest places I've been in a LONG time. I will say that... sadly. And I will tell you that my faith in God is not as strong as it has been in months past. But, I am trying. I'm trying to trust him, and not making him seem like the bad guy.

Part of me wants to blame God for my hurt. Somehow, God "putting" two people together... has led me astray. It has made me second-guess God's character. Who I've always thought he was. My whole life, I've believed that God is the 'ordainer' if you will - and if God is the ordainer of ALL - how did I end up so hurt. And before you go quoting Jeremiah 29:11 to me telling me that God has a plan - I know. I've heard. I try to trust that. But right now, I cannot physically or mentally trust God - because I feel that he has led me away from something that made me happy - and now, being very, very sad with no companion... is truly hard.

Sometimes though, I just blame God. Because I have no one else to blame.

I am second-guessing friendships. You know when someone comes into your life, and they are there for a positive reason. In some way, shape, or form, they hold you together. They call this 'best friends'. Somehow, though... when a boy comes into the picture... 'best friends' seem to fade - at least in my life. I really envy those people who can hold their good friendships and a boyfriend... and have a balance of both. Giving your 'best friend' less than 3 hours with you per week is not fair. I don't even know that you can call that friendship.

I just want to be 'happy heather' again. I desire for that to back - and I'm sure my classmates and people I'm around do, too. I feel like I'm living in a dream, and at some point, i'll fall down, and wake up to people surrounding me trying to bring me back to life... and this will all be a dream.

Burning in my heart.

Lord, I knew you would do this. My heart is burning.. and is aching...

Ever since I got back from my first trip to Asia - my heart has been so burdened for those people - the people I hung out with everyday.. I want to be with them. I want to love them with a love that I'm still trying to figure out how it applies to me. This is my heart, and lately... it's all I can think about. It consumes my thoughts and my mind.

When I was younger - I told God, "I'll follow you to the ends of the earth.... i mean... well, I'll follow you where you lead... within my reason.

Now, everything is changing. Living this "ordinary christian life" has turned out to be a myth. Ordinary and Christian can't fit together in a sentence properly. It may even make me sick thinking about it.

I want to proclaim with my heart that Christ has risen. I want to do this... wherever he leads.
anywhere.

What IF i'm called to serve in asia? What IF I'm called to serve in Nebraska? What IF I'm called to serve him in a slum? In a wealthy neighborhood? Father, give me eyes to see where you call me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywtai008hGM






To the ends of the earth