sorry if you don't like pity parties...

A lot of the reason why I have this blog is so that I can put my excess thoughts somewhere - where maybe I think others will read it. It really helps me to just get it off my chest - and my feelings.

So, let me say that currently, in my life, I've been going through one of the deepest and darkest places I've been in a LONG time. I will say that... sadly. And I will tell you that my faith in God is not as strong as it has been in months past. But, I am trying. I'm trying to trust him, and not making him seem like the bad guy.

Part of me wants to blame God for my hurt. Somehow, God "putting" two people together... has led me astray. It has made me second-guess God's character. Who I've always thought he was. My whole life, I've believed that God is the 'ordainer' if you will - and if God is the ordainer of ALL - how did I end up so hurt. And before you go quoting Jeremiah 29:11 to me telling me that God has a plan - I know. I've heard. I try to trust that. But right now, I cannot physically or mentally trust God - because I feel that he has led me away from something that made me happy - and now, being very, very sad with no companion... is truly hard.

Sometimes though, I just blame God. Because I have no one else to blame.

I am second-guessing friendships. You know when someone comes into your life, and they are there for a positive reason. In some way, shape, or form, they hold you together. They call this 'best friends'. Somehow, though... when a boy comes into the picture... 'best friends' seem to fade - at least in my life. I really envy those people who can hold their good friendships and a boyfriend... and have a balance of both. Giving your 'best friend' less than 3 hours with you per week is not fair. I don't even know that you can call that friendship.

I just want to be 'happy heather' again. I desire for that to back - and I'm sure my classmates and people I'm around do, too. I feel like I'm living in a dream, and at some point, i'll fall down, and wake up to people surrounding me trying to bring me back to life... and this will all be a dream.