I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
that I would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood.
- Derek Webb, Wedding Dress
I asked God to forgive me. I am trying to forgive myself.
The throne of my heart has been taken for awhile. I'm sure Jesus is so tired of standing around waiting for His turn.
It's not fair what I do to my King, you know? I mean, after all; He died a brutal death, bearing my sins on his shoulders.... however, with my lifestyle, I treat that as if he did that as a kind gesture. I don't think I ever gave him the seat. I didn't let him sit on the royal throne of my heart.
Here's the deal: throughout my blogs, [for you faithful readers]... I have consistently struggled. I have struggled with marriage, wanting to be loved, and affection from others. Mainly with men. At some point in my christian walk - I asked Jesus to get up for a second... and then this desire in my heart came and sat down in his place.
Instead of getting angry - Jesus - my warrior, savior, and King went to battle. He went to battle with this deep, heavy, burden and desire of mine.
As I was talking to a friend today, she showed me that in Genesis - when sin came into the world, Jesus said to Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you". I have never interpreted this passage before... I just read the part about childbearing, and blamed Eve.
"Your desire will be for your husband" - funny, isn't it? As a woman - my desire is definitely for my husband.... however, this isn't a bad desire... but I have made it one. I have made the desire for my husband the throne of my heart - I want this man to come into my life - capture my heart, and sit (in the throne) and stay there. Forever.
Jesus says, though, "Heather, I want you to be free. I want to free you from this sin"
I don't know exactly why I wrote this today. Maybe this truth will touch your life like it touched mine. Maybe we can all get to the root of our problem: sin. Making our own desires their home on the throne.
Father, forgive me for giving away your place. Help me be patient. Help me wait. Help me desire you most of all.