Who in the world am I?

Really? Who in the world stole my heart?
What monster have I turned into?

The past... countless entries in my prayer journal are so hard for me to read. I am going through Psalms. Its so surprising to me, how what the Psalmist is describing.. is describing my life to a "T". In Psalm 116, the Psalmist says, "I love the Lord because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. the snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!' ".

Deliver my soul, O God. I am crying out in desperation. Change me, again, Lord. Mold me to what you want me to look like. Show me your brilliant masterpiece; I am Yours! I am created to shout glory to You; to make your name famous!

Lord, It's hard living this life alone. I know you've been by me this whole time.. But God I don't feel your presence. Show me your presence, your love, your grace... God... please find me.
comfort me. Please show me an unsurpassing peace. Show me your glory, your presence.
I love you, Lord.

Just when things were getting better.

Just when things were getting better, of course, the world has to crash.

Have you ever had THAT friend? I mean, the one that you prayed for since you were six years old?
I met that friend. And, to me... she was my best friend in the world. I would not have traded her for anything.
but, of course. Every good thing has an ending. She dropped out of school, and I guess when she did that, she decided to drop out of my life, too. ...
When you have a friend, who was at one point, a very good friend, drop out of your life, won't answer your calls, won't call you, won't speak to you.. It hurts. I feel like a part of me is lost. Tonight, I have said things... that honestly I do not regret. i put so much time, effort, and care into that friendship that is completley wasted now.

I feel like I keep setting myself up for failure. And, somehow I keep doing it. I know the Lord will take care of me. I just feel so very alone right now. I feel like I will live in this depression for a long time. I need out of this Pit. I need YHWH to come rescue me. I need you, precious Jesus. I'm lonely. I need you more than I ever have before. Please.

patience, patience, patience

Sometimes I feel as if my life is falling apart.

I just feel so much depression right now. And, I haven't felt that in a long time.
I don't know what it is. I'm really trying to be happy, put on a happy face around people...
but i'm not.

I'm just lonely - and... I'm not talking about relationship terms here. I am just flat out lonely. In friendships. I feel so very two faced... because I can't be real with my friends, and I would rather not burden them with my very simple problems.

I'm learning that my best friends are the friends I have left behind. The ones Jesus told me were not good for me. .... Really? I guess the Lord is trying to teach me I have got to start relying on Him ;... I just thought I had that all figured out. But, I guess thats where I failed.