Ramblings of a confused heart.

I get into this predicament at LEAST twice, maybe 3 times a semester.

Well It happened again. It usually happens about in the same time as a plateau in my spiritual walk (coincidence?).

Of course, its a boy.

And of COURSE, it's the same boy.

I really can't take this anymore.

My parents think we are getting married.

His parents think we are getting married.

His siblings think we are getting married.

WE think we are getting married.

but we also realize how terribly wrong we are for each other.

Well, maybe on my end. I feel I would actually be a pretty good fit for him. But him for me? HECK NO. Well. Yes, except for one huge huge concept:

He doesn't love Jesus like a man should.

Which is my biggest problem with him. actually, my only problem with him.

He also says he doesn't have the desire, longing, or devotion like I have to my King.

Well, dangit. I mean, at least if he had the desire, I could compromise, right? I mean really... it sucks feeling like you are throwing the love of your life out of the window. Someone (personality wise) that you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. All because of one thing.

But its the biggest thing.

And in my sinful, human mind... this doesn't all seem to add up.

Oh Lord, Guard my heart. Love me more and more intimate than any man ever will. I pray for his heart God. Not because I want to date him, but because I want him to long for you. I want him to experience and love you more than he ever has. Lord, you are good.

All I'm asking, is that you won't be like the rest.

Please, don't grab my heart and string it 3,000 miles away.

Please, if you aren't interested, stop acting as such.

You are amazing. Please don't prove me wrong.

Oh, Dad.

This is from a sermon. I Just wanted to post it somewhere.

Verse: Hebrews 12. Listen to it on iTunes - type in Frontline podcasts, and then listen to Ecclesia (its the newest one)

“you serve a guy who got cruicified. There was a moment in your life where you said, “I want to follow jesus”, I want be a diciple of Jesus.. and what you might have failed to recognize is that people treated jesus like CRAP.

Jesus’ family didn’t understand him

Jesus’ friends bailed on him in his darkest hour.

Jesus learned obedience from the things he suffered.

He’s getting in our face, saying “stop being so flippin’ soft”… “Suck it up”

What made you think following a guy that got murdered would be easy? The safest place to be is inside of God’s will – REALLY?? – it wasn’t for peter, peter got cruicifed upside down.

Maybe God is allowing you to go through hard times – because he is trying to dicipline you… and make you more like jesus… so are you aren’t spoiled and rotten and get everything you want.

I've got a lesson to learn...

Life lately has been tough. I have gone through this phase that I cry every single day at the same time (which I hear is healthy to set apart a time each day to grieve... but thats beside the point).

I've felt lonely so many times lately, and I think thats for the Lord's purpose... even as much as it hurts my own heart. The Lord has been trying to catch me. First, I was just running off on my own saying, "no, Lord... I don't need you right now". Which I'm sure has broken His heart. He gave me a taste of my own medicine. There were times that I would want to be with someone, and either plans broke... or they said they couldn't... and It began to break my heart. To care about someone, and not be able to spend time with them downright SUCKS. Yep, I know how Jesus feels.

So then I hurt my knee. This seems to be a consistent theme in November every year for me. So I go to the Doctor, and he takes a few x-rays. When he shows them to me... he says, "see this? this is a chipped bone in your knee, and I'm not super sure how you managed to do that". I'm thinking to myself... "Great. This is just what I need". The doctor says, "We'll do an MRI, and then we will come back and talk about when you will have surgery". Great news. Im about to have surgery AND head halfway across the world within 6 weeks.

So, I live with a week of crutches... and that was painful in itself. Not just on my body, but mentally too. I began to have to rely on other people to do small tasks i've been able to do my whole life. Such as... opening a door... or getting my food... stuff like that.

I needed to get groceries, so I was walking [crutching] into wal mart the other day... and these people said, "Hey, can I pray for you?". First of all, I'm not about to turn down prayer... but second of all... you are standing outside asking people if you can PRAY for them?? are you kidding me? So, of course I say yes. The girl came and put her hand on my knee, and began to pray for me. I didn't feel anything, I'll admit..... ANNND I was a wee bit skeptical. After she was done, she said, "does it feel any different?" I said not really, but it doesn't hurt all the time either.... I went in and made a point not to talk to them on my way out.

[Disclaimer: I've always been a little skeptical of people who say they can heal... its not talked about in a Baptist Church... neither is the Holy Spirit... plus.. it scared me.]

Later that day, I caught myself walking completely normal without my crutches. I started thinking, "are you kidding me??" So I am thinking, "how do I even explain this tomorrow??" So I used my crutches anyways.

That's the God I serve.

I went to the doctor today to read my MRI tests. The doctor looked at me and said, "are you feeling better?" I replied with "yes, alot better actually... thanks!". And he said, well, thats good, because we can't find anything wrong.. theres no torn tissue... no torn or stretched ligaments... and we can't even find evidence of that bone we saw in the x-ray.".... Uhm... hi... Doctor...?

Thats the God I serve. He is a miracle worker. He's my physician. He healed me, when I needed to obey Him the most.

That's the God I serve.

Sometimes, loving people like Jesus doesn't come naturally for me. I fail when it comes to treating someone like they were created by the king of the universe.

I'm afraid that I will never fully understand what God's love means. My father has never shown me his love. It was when I was 17 years old that he first told me that he loved me.. And I can't recall even the last time I heard it.... Much less showed it. He has always been preoccupied with other things: fishing, his job, smoking... Putting my mom and I both dead last in his life.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to understand my heavenly fathers love for me. I associate "father" with things that only make me upset- someone who has always let me down, who doesn't know how to love me, and someone who has anger issues. But... My heavenly father is not like that. My heavenly father loves me unconditionally. He knows where the hardest and softest parts of my heart are.. And he doesn't get angry when I have a misconception of who he is.

Lord, please help me associate who YOU are with good things. Show me what father truly means. Please help me see my earthly father as you see him.

And these are my confessions...

1. I thoroughly enjoy autumn. The colors, smells, the dryness of the hair, the crisp morning breeze... It is all so very lovely.

2. I haven't dated since high school. Somedays, this kills me... but other days I'm so grateful. The 2 boys I dated in high school: one is married to a girl he cheated on me with & the other is a bum. Looks like it wouldn't have worked out either way!

3. I have never had a great communication system with my family. We get along, but we just don't have those "things" other families do.

4. My father didn't tell me he loved me until I was 17 years old... after I threatened to run away.

5. My junior and senior years of high school were both the best and the worst years of my life.

6. I wouldn't call myself a feminist, but I would say that women should not make 77 cents to every mans dollar. Also, i am a firm believer that a woman CAN go into vocational ministry. Also, I think that it is perfectly fine for a girl not to wait around for a boy.

7. Somedays, I very seriously think I will end up single because I am so strong-willed, and carry alot of leadership roles.

8. I looove to sew, paint, and vintage shop. I think that these things are so very relaxing, and I can't wait until I have time to do it again!

9. Guilty Pleasure: pajamas all day + movies + ice cream + no need to get ready or put on makeup.

10. I'm an only child. I try really hard to not act like it. I like to think I'm doing a good job at that, too. I also have the BEST sisters a girl could ask for.

11. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know that I want to go into ministry somehow - what that looks like, I have no idea. My ultimate dream is to work for or start a girls ministry that does not just focus on the "typical girls" in todays culture. I just want to tell them how beautiful they are and what a wonderful King is pursuing after their heart.

12. I grew fond of the country of Bhutan this summer. One of the least evangelized countries in the world - and I've come in contact with M's there. One day, I will go there, and I will love on those people. They are the most precious people to me. I might start crying thinking about them.

6 steps back... and then 4 walls up

Oh, Lord, Protect me.

And if I can make a confession... My time is torn between a man who has won my affections... and the God who made me.

My heart is out there, again.  I threw it out there. 

Why do I do that? 

I knew I would get hurt. But, I think this time I was hoping for a chance that I wouldn't. Maybe this was the time that once I threw it... it would somehow land on a pillow, or in a foam pit instead of the concrete and into a million little pieces.  I haven't yet gotten hurt. I keep scraping my porcelain heart on the ground with a rope... bringing it in closer and closer as I take steps back, and throw more and more walls up.

At the same time as moving backwards and throwing walls up... I feel as if I'm walking closer and tearing walls down. Crazy, isn't it?

The thing is... I haven't met someone like you. Maybe if you weren't so shy, and I weren't so hesitant... this could all work out.

But then again, maybe not. I'll just keep dragging this heart across the pavement until you pick it up. 

Oh Lord, protect my heart. Don't let it be deceitful. 

PS. I really enjoy Grey Street.

its really over.

This is the longest I have gone without speaking to you.

and this is the happiest i've ever been.

Funny the way it is... One day, we were going to get married and grow old together. There was nothing better in the world. And then everything fell apart. And praise the Lord it did. My friends didn't like you, and would yell at me when we talked on hung out. My parents... well, they still ask about you all the time... but they are over it now.

I've moved on.

For the FIRST time in five years.

and I just can't tell you how good this feels. 

how great...

The summer is over in about a week. My, how things have drastically changed this summer. I walked into work this summer with an attitude, "I care about reaching the nations... it's just not for me". The Lord laid on my heart this summer that following him... meant to do what he did, and to go where he went. He laid the country of Bhutan on my heart.
Bhutan is a country located between India and China. It is mainly Buddhist, and a shockingly .2% Evangelical Christian. In order to go into the country, which you can only go for two weeks at a time (not as a 'missionary' only a traveler), you must have an approved Visa, and even with that, you must be escorted by a government agent so that your culture does not disturb theirs. That being said, you can't share Christ there... they don't know... they haven't heard. The only way a Bhutanese person could hear about the Lord is if one of them left to go into India, heard about Christ with someone there, and then came back and told others. Which is unlikely considering that India is <2% Evangelical Christian. I have been despereately praying that the Lord would give a vision of Himself to the people of Bhutan. Proclaiming his glory even in one of the darkest places on the earth.
I also decided this summer... to give up my desire to date someone who is no good to me. I was scared to leave camp.. and come back to the real world... the reason being that I would again be pulled into his gravity. I prayed that the Lord would keep me from temptation. Later that week... he and I got in a huge fight. One that recently has resulted in the end of a friendship. This does hurt me... very badly, but I know that this is just an answer to a much needed prayer. This boy was exactly what was keeping me from my potential in Christ.
I want to go back to school and tell others about Christ. I know, its crazy... because its a christian school. All I know is that a gathering of Christians might mean that we are too trendy to be Christ. I'm tired of a "trend" taking the place for Christ. I'm also tired of mindless apathy that I see everywhere I turn. I'm praying for my campus, just as hard as I should be praying for a secular Campus.

The Lord has done great things in my life this summer. He has shown me who he is - and shown me that His mercies really are new every morning.

-HH

Sometimes the hardest thing and right thing are the same.

If God's will was the fence, I was walking right next to it.

It hit me today: If we are walking in God's will - we don't need to search, look, or try to be "found" or "complete" in someone. My good friend Kevin was giving me some relationship advice.. and it really sunk in. If I am seeking passionately after the heart of God, and my future husband (wherever he may or may not be) is passionatley seeking the heart of God... there will be no question.
For the past four years, I have been "on and off" dating with a boy. Four years ago, he was the MAN of my DREAMS! Our families thought the same... to add on top of it. Since then, I've planned my life around him. And i know... all you out there are throwing up your flags for me. I gotcha.. it just took me longer to learn. Anyways, in January, words were exchanged between us. I considered leaving OBU to move home and be with him. I decided that wasn't smart; we would just spend summer together this summer. Please realize that this is taking me out of any ministry opportunity that could cross my path. I decided not to go back to falls creek, because I wanted to be with him.
It hit me.
I was giving up who I was... and who Christ has called me to be, and what Christ has called me to do... for this........ boy.
I am ashamed of myself daily. I can't believe I let my emotions get that far ahead of my mindset with Christ in it.

I called everything in the world off with him. which is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. To not have him in my life is so different and mysterious to me. I don't know how to act around guys any more. I don't know even where to start... because I have always had this mindset that I didn't need to worry about it, I had him.

God's will is sometimes the suckiest thing in the world (well, at the current time). I must say that sometimes, I don't trust God enough to give him the things that I care most about. Boy, have I learned my lesson. Letting go of my will.... and leaving my hands open for His.

i found God where the west was all but one...

Heads up: the new "The Fray" album is great. It's self titled, and I recommend it to everyone, no joke. My favorite song is their single, "You found me". It's lovely.

My first day of class was yesterday - It's so great to be back in a routine again. I know for awhile, I have just complained about school. Not necessarily my education.. because I absolutley love it. I just feel really left out of the "in crowd". I came to a realization today while sitting in a boring class... The Lord brings me to the wilderness here. He puts me in a situation he constantly reminds me of his love for me. He puts me here so I can draw closer to him. I may not be in with the "in crowd" or even have many friends in general... but thats just not what this life is about, to be honest. I need the wilderness... Despite how sometimes it is so very ugly, depressing, and lonely. It's what I need.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, lately. I don't prefer to go into much detail, but I would like to say that sometimes, I throw out the phrase, "I deserve so much better"... but deep in my heart, I don't even believe that. Love is a funny thing, you know. Somedays I pray everyone is right, and some i hope and fight for everyone in the world to be completley wrong. Yes, sorry this is extremely vague.

hammers and strings...

"14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe" --Philippians 2:14-15

I've observed lately in myself and others.. we complain about everything, and we forget we are so unbelievably blessed. This is something I am working at : stopping complaining.

There are times when I find myself arguing with myself about doctrine. What's right, whats wrong.. and I have decided.. I'm done with doctrine! I just want to follow Jesus' footsteps. I don't need to make following him any more diffult than it is.

I found a body of believers that I enjoy here in the city. Of course, the Sunday I find it is my last one here. Blah. It's difficult sometimes. I plan on getting involved back in shawnee at this church called "Heritage". Although alot of people from OBU go there... I will try to like it. I want to get involved in the youth group and such... because there is nothing like being in ministry again.

This is just a little update, I guess. It's icy here.

Making History.

I woke up sick today, and my body told me at 6:15 am it was time to start my day. Although I objected, my eyes would not re-close. So, I turned on the TV - and I saw the Today show.. and I thought, "YES! I never get to watch this"... so I turned it on. Apparantly, it's inauguration day for the 44th President of the United States. I have been shocked all day [and yes, ALL day describes that I have been watching this from 7-7, plusthe parties going on right now]. By shocked, I mean, I have never seen a president so idolatrized. I have never seen over 1,000,000 people on National Television put hope in a president. Someone JUST like them.

I don't think having the first African - American president means that for the first time Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream is coming true. 'I have a dream that one day my children will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character'. His dream included equality for ALL people. As far as I am concerned... that has happened. Every race in America has equality. And though an individual may treat another indiviual differently doesn't mean that either of them has less or more rights or privelages. If you don't want the title... don't act the title.

I am reminded today of od's love for us - he didn't make me to love this country (PRAISE GOD!).
...I am the LORD your God, who has set you apart from the nations. - Leviticus 20:24

In Matthew 16, Jesus tells us to be aware of the Sadducees and Pharisees. These were two large political groups. Sound familiar?

Lastly... my allegiance goes to a King in a kingdom, because we'll never have a savior on Capitol Hill - Derek Webb.

you could look inside to see what's on my mind...

God is so very, very good.

I see freedom.
I see us - the Body of the GREAT I Am - circled around a fountain.
This fountain of changing colors.
It's dancing for us, don't you see?
Just as this water just is,
so is I AM.
We are circled with many instruments.
Including books we took from the library.
A coffee cup instead of throwing it away.
We sing.
We are free.
Our soul longs after The Water.
It's our hearts desire.
We find freedom in our Father for the first time.



and He is in fact glorified.