When you ask God to ruin your life...

Here we go. I had plans, big ones in fact. Let me just be honest [i guess to go along with the entire theme of this blog]... my plans after I graduated were to: get a job. meet a man. get married. follow him.

However, I've been so convicted about this. I am not giving myself an opportunity to live, much less let God lead me where he wants. I had it all figured out.

I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. My mind is constantly turning. So, the other night... er... morning.. at 3:30am, I felt like I needed to read something I had read before. I opened up the Book 'Forgotten God' by Francis Chan. It said,

"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in the moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions. It is easy to use the phrase, "God's will for my life" as an excuse for inaction or even disobedience. It's much less demanding to think about God's will for your future than it is to ask Him what He wants you to do in the next ten minutes. It's safer to commit to following him someday instead of this day." (p. 120)

I'm going to do something great. I'm going to follow what I know the Holy Spirit is saying. Instead of fulfilling my plans of getting a good job after I graduate. I'm 65% sure I'm moving to another country for awhile. To experience the world. To experience God's people. To teach. To share.

I don't like to act like a charity case, but I would really appreciate your prayers. This is not what I had imagined doing. I'm literally going to take a leap of faith.... Across an ocean.

Ephiphany

I went to a prayer-team meeting for church tonight. I thought I was going to learn how to pray; instead, we prayed. I was a little apprehensive. That sounds bad. I was scared my prayers wouldn't be as knowledgeable, loving, or worded appropriately. I'm not an expert pray-er.

I say this time and time again throughout my blog. But, as a resounding gong, here I go again: I struggle with being single. Usually everyday. And to be honest, it probably consumes my thought on a good day, and it gets me down on a bad day.

This culture I live in constantly tells me, "Get married, get married"... when in reality, marriage is a gift. It's a blessing. Just because I may not get married, does not mean Father hasn't gifted me in different ways. Or even that I am not blessed by God.

I just want a husband. The good thing about God, though, is that he has already filled my void. He knew I would have this void, and my heart would ache for a husband. Isaiah 54:4-8 says, "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will ahve compassion on you", says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Thank you, Lord. For your promise. for your covenant of peace.

an article from relevant.

Let us acknowledge our neediness, our beautiful desperation. Yes, our unanswerable, aching, longing poverty is a prerequisite for the balm of salvation. We, the people—the failures, the losers, the outsiders—we have found our King. Christ, the King of the fools; the Lord of the sick, broken souls like us. Let us remain in continual awe of the love we have been shown. And let us love! Let us celebrate the reckless love of the one who risked all that we might be loved. And let us follow in the path of a God who loves us. The tax collectors and the rabbis. The prostitutes and the Sadducees. In the bars and in the churches. Yes, God even loves Christians.

-Jon Foreman

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/features/23449-the-drunk-and-the-hypocrite

Deliver me.

Deliver me from my prideful mind. It weights heavier on me all the time. What a silent, yet such a deadly crime.. to think I own my own life.

Deliver me from my hateful thoughts, I'm committing murder... in the presence of God. Break my heart just like David's was...with a weeping, pregnant, widow in my house. How can i despise my brother when I've killed your only begotten son... Help me prefer another and say... you are the only God.

This morning... my alarm went off earlier than i'd ever want. In the small obedience, Lord. Let my heart stay bowed down. Father, you've given Jesus all those who you will raise up. And all eyes including mine will say : You are the only God.

Deliver me. Deliver me.

-Bethany Dillon, Deliver Me

Deliverance has become a word that comes through my mind on most days. The depths of this word haven't even begun to touch my heart. I have been in this idea of running from God. I have no clue what he wants for my life, and so I am running to find my own way. I'll admit it. I am scared of where he may ask me to serve. I'm scared of the unknown. I need, and desperately plea, to be delivered back into the kingdom of God.

I trust Jesus. I guess I only trust Him to an extent. I run away before I give him a chance to show me His mercies.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

I need to learn how to live as a confident woman; as a woman who walks through the wilderness alone frequently; as a woman who fears for her life and runs the opposite direction.

Father, let your light shine down on me in the wilderness. Where it's cold, annoying, dark, and I don't seem to see you always. Allow me to see your beauty.