Today.

Today, I applied to go with an organization and teach overseas.

I'm nervous. But I'm not in control.

Gravity.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Meditation on Isaiah 9

Meditation on Isaiah 9
By Joshua Banner

Unto us a child is born
unto all of us
unto the window
unto the homeless
the addict
the AIDS patient
unto us the football captain
and the drag queen
unto us the politician
the factory blue collar
us the single mother
the crack baby
and unto us the affluent suburbanite
unto us the goth
the hippie
the rocker
the alternative and underground
unto us in Hollywood and on Madison Avenue
and unto all of us inbetween
unto us in the gutters of Calcutta
unto the Muslim
and the jew
the Buddhist
the Krishna and the Hindu
unto us the fatherless
unto the heavenly fatherless

For unto us a child is born
a son is given
and a secret revolution begun.
this is what the prophets had been preparing for.

They said his name would be,
"Most Beautiful Wisdom"
"the Highest of Heaven's Secrets"
his name would be
"The God who continually bends over backwards for you"
"The God who gets down on his hands and knees"
"the God who would become silly and mis-understood"
"The God who would be mocked -- the God whose name would be taken in vain."

He would be called
"The God of underdogs"

"The God of the powerless and unspiritual"

"The God of those who cannot pray or fast"

And there would be no end to him and his underdog weaklings or their secret
there would be no end even while the nations continue to rage on.
even as ethnos rises against ethnos
even as valleys are filled with dead bones
and rivers run with blood
even as violence runs through our streets
and schools and hearts
convering us like a thick fog
Even in this dark land of weak people
The God who bends over backwards
will shine forth like a great light
as the dawning of a new day
letting his secret spread forth with healing and joy

Drop the mirror and let it shatter
Crush the hourglass and stop the clocks ticking
stand still
hold your breath
anticipate.... imagine...
your wildest dreams
Sell everything and buy the farm
Come with me, cover your eyes and
hold our your hands
stop your weeping
stop your groans
the fast is over.

Let the celebration begin
the father has come
He has send his son
Unto us He has been born
even unto us.

Lu-Lu and He-Hu

My dear friend Lauren and I tonight had a talk. We talked about how here at our school, we don't have a good relationship with a lot of girls that go here. We wondered why our college experience is so different from probably every other school in the world. Our conclusion:

Women come to this school and worry about boys for four years.

We then talked about how, in the Christian culture at least, singleness is often looked down upon, though it is truly a gift (just as marriage is). She and I discussed the hurtfulness of a woman in a relationship or married who says, "ENJOY YOUR SINGLE YEARS! THEY ARE THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE"... when, in reality, if they were the best years of your life, you probably would have stayed in that time. Though, I realize God does some things in his own timing and in his own ways. But, you catch the drift.

Sometimes I just feel as if Christians: married, in relationships, older, younger, etc... look down on me because I'm single. As if being married is something to be obtained. In reality, though, it isn't. It is a blessing, a gift from the Lord, just as singleness.

Let's work together and change our perception. I'm not saying I want to be single forever, but I'm also not saying I want to be married, or even in a relationship. I'm saying that we should live according to the Holy Spirit. We should live in obedience in marriage, and singleness.

When you ask God to ruin your life...

Here we go. I had plans, big ones in fact. Let me just be honest [i guess to go along with the entire theme of this blog]... my plans after I graduated were to: get a job. meet a man. get married. follow him.

However, I've been so convicted about this. I am not giving myself an opportunity to live, much less let God lead me where he wants. I had it all figured out.

I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. My mind is constantly turning. So, the other night... er... morning.. at 3:30am, I felt like I needed to read something I had read before. I opened up the Book 'Forgotten God' by Francis Chan. It said,

"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in the moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions. It is easy to use the phrase, "God's will for my life" as an excuse for inaction or even disobedience. It's much less demanding to think about God's will for your future than it is to ask Him what He wants you to do in the next ten minutes. It's safer to commit to following him someday instead of this day." (p. 120)

I'm going to do something great. I'm going to follow what I know the Holy Spirit is saying. Instead of fulfilling my plans of getting a good job after I graduate. I'm 65% sure I'm moving to another country for awhile. To experience the world. To experience God's people. To teach. To share.

I don't like to act like a charity case, but I would really appreciate your prayers. This is not what I had imagined doing. I'm literally going to take a leap of faith.... Across an ocean.

Ephiphany

I went to a prayer-team meeting for church tonight. I thought I was going to learn how to pray; instead, we prayed. I was a little apprehensive. That sounds bad. I was scared my prayers wouldn't be as knowledgeable, loving, or worded appropriately. I'm not an expert pray-er.

I say this time and time again throughout my blog. But, as a resounding gong, here I go again: I struggle with being single. Usually everyday. And to be honest, it probably consumes my thought on a good day, and it gets me down on a bad day.

This culture I live in constantly tells me, "Get married, get married"... when in reality, marriage is a gift. It's a blessing. Just because I may not get married, does not mean Father hasn't gifted me in different ways. Or even that I am not blessed by God.

I just want a husband. The good thing about God, though, is that he has already filled my void. He knew I would have this void, and my heart would ache for a husband. Isaiah 54:4-8 says, "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will ahve compassion on you", says the Lord, your Redeemer.

Thank you, Lord. For your promise. for your covenant of peace.

an article from relevant.

Let us acknowledge our neediness, our beautiful desperation. Yes, our unanswerable, aching, longing poverty is a prerequisite for the balm of salvation. We, the people—the failures, the losers, the outsiders—we have found our King. Christ, the King of the fools; the Lord of the sick, broken souls like us. Let us remain in continual awe of the love we have been shown. And let us love! Let us celebrate the reckless love of the one who risked all that we might be loved. And let us follow in the path of a God who loves us. The tax collectors and the rabbis. The prostitutes and the Sadducees. In the bars and in the churches. Yes, God even loves Christians.

-Jon Foreman

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/features/23449-the-drunk-and-the-hypocrite

Deliver me.

Deliver me from my prideful mind. It weights heavier on me all the time. What a silent, yet such a deadly crime.. to think I own my own life.

Deliver me from my hateful thoughts, I'm committing murder... in the presence of God. Break my heart just like David's was...with a weeping, pregnant, widow in my house. How can i despise my brother when I've killed your only begotten son... Help me prefer another and say... you are the only God.

This morning... my alarm went off earlier than i'd ever want. In the small obedience, Lord. Let my heart stay bowed down. Father, you've given Jesus all those who you will raise up. And all eyes including mine will say : You are the only God.

Deliver me. Deliver me.

-Bethany Dillon, Deliver Me

Deliverance has become a word that comes through my mind on most days. The depths of this word haven't even begun to touch my heart. I have been in this idea of running from God. I have no clue what he wants for my life, and so I am running to find my own way. I'll admit it. I am scared of where he may ask me to serve. I'm scared of the unknown. I need, and desperately plea, to be delivered back into the kingdom of God.

I trust Jesus. I guess I only trust Him to an extent. I run away before I give him a chance to show me His mercies.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

I need to learn how to live as a confident woman; as a woman who walks through the wilderness alone frequently; as a woman who fears for her life and runs the opposite direction.

Father, let your light shine down on me in the wilderness. Where it's cold, annoying, dark, and I don't seem to see you always. Allow me to see your beauty.

new project

This is my new project. Perhaps after a nap and a cup of coffee... Maybe tomorrow. However, this ones on the list. Thanks Little Apartment on the Prairie!

Mine is going over my desk, though.

Happy weekend!

GLUTEN FREE DARK CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES, EVERYONE.

So, I've been in the urge to bake - however, I just couldn't seem to find recipes that didn't use really expensive flours to make GF desserts [I'm a poor college student, you know]. So, here are some cookies that I love! It was my first time to cook with GF baking mix - and it seems like the same consistency to me!

I substituted 3/4 butter for unsalted butter, and substituted 1 tsp of salt to a 1/2 tsp of salt, and instead of egg substitute, I used 1 egg..

Oh, and I used Dark chocolate morsels instead of Semi-Sweet (I don't like semi-sweet)

Anyways, i hope you GF friends are as excited about this as I am!

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup butter, softened
• 1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1 teaspoon gluten-free vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup egg substitute
• 2 1/4 cups gluten-free baking mix
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F ( 190 degrees C). Prepare a greased baking sheet.
2. In a medium bowl, cream butter and sugar. Gradually add replacer eggs and vanilla while mixing. Sift together gluten- free flour mix, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Stir into the butter mixture until blended. Finally, stir in the chocolate chips.
3. Using a teaspoon, drop cookies 2 inches apart on prepared baking sheet. Bake in preheated oven for 6 to 8 minutes or until light brown. Let cookies cool on baking sheet for 2 minutes before removing to wire racks.

The Throne of my Heart

I am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers so less wild

that I would take a little cash

over your very flesh and blood.

- Derek Webb, Wedding Dress

I asked God to forgive me. I am trying to forgive myself.

The throne of my heart has been taken for awhile. I'm sure Jesus is so tired of standing around waiting for His turn.

It's not fair what I do to my King, you know? I mean, after all; He died a brutal death, bearing my sins on his shoulders.... however, with my lifestyle, I treat that as if he did that as a kind gesture. I don't think I ever gave him the seat. I didn't let him sit on the royal throne of my heart.

Here's the deal: throughout my blogs, [for you faithful readers]... I have consistently struggled. I have struggled with marriage, wanting to be loved, and affection from others. Mainly with men. At some point in my christian walk - I asked Jesus to get up for a second... and then this desire in my heart came and sat down in his place.

Instead of getting angry - Jesus - my warrior, savior, and King went to battle. He went to battle with this deep, heavy, burden and desire of mine.

As I was talking to a friend today, she showed me that in Genesis - when sin came into the world, Jesus said to Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you". I have never interpreted this passage before... I just read the part about childbearing, and blamed Eve.

"Your desire will be for your husband" - funny, isn't it? As a woman - my desire is definitely for my husband.... however, this isn't a bad desire... but I have made it one. I have made the desire for my husband the throne of my heart - I want this man to come into my life - capture my heart, and sit (in the throne) and stay there. Forever.

Jesus says, though, "Heather, I want you to be free. I want to free you from this sin"

I don't know exactly why I wrote this today. Maybe this truth will touch your life like it touched mine. Maybe we can all get to the root of our problem: sin. Making our own desires their home on the throne.

Father, forgive me for giving away your place. Help me be patient. Help me wait. Help me desire you most of all.

Running Aimlessly.

I don't know much about my Savior. Shamefully. I've decided that I should start reading about Him - understanding who He was... who He is... and in turn who He calls me to be.

Mark 1 is where I have begun... and this really stuck out to me.

Mark 1:40-45 (English Standard Version)

⁴⁰ And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, "If you will, you can make me clean." ⁴¹Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, "I will; be clean." ⁴²And immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. ⁴³And Jesus sternly charged him and sent him away at once, ⁴⁴and said to him, "See that you say nothing to anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded, for a proof to them." ⁴⁵ But he went out and began to talk freely about it, and to spread the news, so that Jesus could no longer openly enter a town, but was out in desolate places, and people were coming to him from every quarter.

I love this - I love that our Savior comes down to our level - This man, an outcast in society... in reality, no one probably talked to him. No one would look him in the eye. No one would sit down and eat a meal with him. Parents would hurry their children away. He wasn't attractive. He wasn't worthy. This man was lonely. He was a leper. However; he went before Jesus. He kneeled in front of him, and said probably in the most sincere way, "If you will, will you make me clean?".

Jesus was moved with pity. Can you even grasp what that looks like? It almost brings me to tears. Jesus - he saw how much of an outcast this man was. He saw his loneliness. He wasn't afraid of his leprosy. He touched him. He touched him. Probably the first touch this man has had in a very long time. Jesus said to him, "I will; be clean"... and the man was made clean.

Of course, this man was overflowing with joy. Like anyone near Jesus, after Jesus says "don't tell anyone who cleaned you" - he goes, and tells EVERYONE. Probably with, "Don't tell anyone I told you, but Jesus healed me! He is the Messiah we have been waiting for". He spread the news.

I wish my life resembled this leper more. Jesus - saw me. He was moved with pity when he saw my sin, my shame, my lonliness. He put his arm on me. He touched me - and I didn't go and tell everyone. I kept it to myself. That's the part of the story where I wish I could act more like this leper. Not in his disobedience to Jesus - but his longing to tell others about him. He was filled with joy. He had a smile across his face. He was praying with people and telling them about a man who changed him forever.

Father, allow me to be like this leper. Allow me to share the joy you have given me with others. Father, thank you for cleaning me. Thank you for removing my sin & shame.

Something that made me happy today...

I found a health food store in Shawnee.

Praise-The-Lord.

I bought some: Chips! Soy milk! BREAD! Cake Mix! Soup! ....

All Gluten Free.

Also, I found some blogs with GF recipes...

I was trying the gluten free attempt from only eating fruits & vegetables. I am so excited now.

Also, my mom gave me a recepie for pumpkin muffins/cupcakes today - Its 1 box of yellow cake mix (I picked up the GF kind...), and one can of pumpkin pie mix... We will see how it works out!

Well. I guess It's official.

Lately, everything that has to do with my faith also has to do with community. it's a buzz-word here around campus. Especially among us Res-Life staffers.

I went to a fellowship on Sunday, and we talked about living in Community, and what that biblically looks like.

Tonight, I went to a service and we talked about what it means - how it looks.

To me, community is living life-on-life. Discipleship. You can't have community without d-ship. You can't have d-ship without community. Community is VITAL to our faith. Living where we are together working to see the fingerprints of God among us... is VITAL to who we are as believers in Christ.

However, I think I am absolutely horrible at living in community. As my pastor says, "when you live in Community with one another, you rub against each other (As iron sharpens iron...)... and it hurts, and it's dirty". I wish I knew better how I could live in community.

Anyways. On another note... I applied for my first after-college ... job?.. can I call it that? I will for now. Let's just say that it's something I promised God, my family, and everyone else in my life that I would never do - but here I am. I'm nervous. it's step one - but 2,000 miles is a really, really long way from home. We'll see.

Also, I recently found out that I have an intolerance to gluten. Gluten is in just about everything yummy in the world - so I'm not exactly the happiest camper I found this out. I've eaten edamame (soy beans) for the past 2 days. I need some new thoughts for food. If you also have this intolerance, or love someone who does... I could use some help in my dietary choices. :)

this wasn't one of my better blogs. But, I don't think I really have a whole bunch that I want to talk about. I still wanted to write. maybe the next will be better.

Nothing intelligent.

The other day, I realized something about myself. Somewhere in the past semester (Spring '10), I really stopped relying on Christ. That changes your life, you know? Thinking you can do it on your own. I've been taking my own burdens - the burdens of others, even. Not working it out, and bottling this in has caused me to lose trust in the King.

I realized how dumb I was being towards people - as a Child of God - I was hateful. I was annoyed. I was short. I wasn't listening.

All this to say, sorry that I lost sight of our Savior and King. I'm sorry for not leading how I should.

Forgive me, understand that I'm in a different place right now - you may have had a spiritual high this summer - but I didn't. Please, understand that I am crying out to God asking Him to move the clouds.

Skewl is bak

Well. Here we are. This time tomorrow, I'll be back at school - in small town, America. I can almost smell the putrid funk coming from the mill now.

This year makes me really apprehensive. It's my last year of school, as long as things go as planned. I want my senior year to be fun, exciting, memorable... and spirit filled.

This summer has been a spiritual drought for me. I am currently is desperate need for a downpour of the Holy Spirit. I feel like right now, I'm walking on dry land. I want water to be so high I have to swim. I want to get out of this depression/drought season with the Lord. I've learned through my church, that following Christ isn't hard. I need to put hardships behind me, and run towards the cross, full speed, without looking back.

I'm going to have one of the biggest opportunities of my life this year - discipleing 8 girls. My job 'requires' me to spend one-on-one time with these girls... which makes me so excited. I want to live life with them as we seek our savior together.

I have less than a year to find a big-girl-job. Yiiiikes. This scares me. Do I move overseas? Do I find a job here in OKC? I feel like I have so many options ahead of me.

So, I guess I'm asking... Will you pray for me as I start school?

1. Pray for my spiritual life. Pray that I don't allow the enemy to keep me down.
2. Pray for my senior year - that is it FUN, and EXCITING!
3. Pray for the girls I'll be spending one on one time with - pray that they have a passion and desire to seek Father together. Pray that this will start a never-ending cycle of d-ship and revival at OBU.
4. Pray for my future - that this year, Father will show me exactly what his Will is for my life.

Alright men, I'm being serious.

So, last post, I said my attempt was not to bash the men. This post. I'm being so for real: STEP up your game.

So, tonight I was having dinner with one of my best friends who I don't get to see often because of the distance/work schedules between us. We were chatting away about life, and her phone goes off. She looks down.. and looks at me and says with a straight face, "Somethings wrong"... And I couldn't understand. She and her boy had just broken up a few days ago.

We drove with silence on the way home. We sat in my living room. And she cried. She didn't talk. And she finally burst into hysterical tears: "Heather, I just don't know what to do. I'm scared". We went to my room to talk, where after a long series, she told me her boyfriend holds her down to yell at her, when she does something wrong, he hits her... and leaves bruises.

Men, It's time to stand up. Fathers, teach your sons how to be men. Christians, leave your circle of christian friends... and go mentor and disciple men who are not getting it.

This is NOT under any circumstances okay.

Rescued.

[This was not intended to be a man-bashing post...]

Something thats bothering lately is how men ... and men who call themselves Christians, especially, don't treat women with respect. I was with a friend the other day, who kept making sexual innuendo jokes, thats what she said jokes, made a cookie of a male anatomy... called a prostitute ugly.... and the list goes on...

There are 27,000 people in slavery today... INSIDE THE UNITED STATES. Why does this happen? Well, because sex is treated lightly. Women aren't treated with respect. We think that saying 'thats what she said' will only make something funnier, when, in reality, isn't making things any better.

It really frustrates me, as a single woman, men who are abusing women are without even taking a second thought of what they say. Sex, is a sacred thing, that in our 21st century is being abused and misused. It's used to get pleasure every 'once in a while', and to feel good for the time being, but that is not how it was created. We SHOULD NOT be making jokes about it. Really, we shouldn't.

So, men. This is my plea, my cry, and my challenge. Stand up. Stop being cowardly, stop making obscene jokes. Stop making light of things that really aren't that funny, or light. Stand up, be a godly man pursuing after the heart of your King.

and we wouldn't be in this problem of slavery today.

the real root of the problem...

This past week, I had a staff meeting with the lovely people I work with/for. I got so excited after it... We work for Residential Life, so we were talking about how orientation was going to go.

We talked about how our residents (and ours, definitely) issues are not just issues. Two room mates that don't get along - well, the issue is NOT the fact they won't compromise.... the real issue comes from the heart. The reason they aren't compromising? -> They're selfish. ->The reason they are selfish? -> they're sinners.

My low self esteem does not come from lies i've been told my whole life - it bothers me because I am a sinner.

I'm getting excited for school to start back in the fall - but it is such a busy, uphill journey to get there. I'm working for YEC for two weeks - and I am really excited about that. After that ends on Saturday, I go to Dallas on Monday, and move back to school Wednesday. Yikes! It's going to be so crazy busy, but I'm ready for it.

I've gotten the question, "What are you going to do after you graduate" more than 30 times in the past couple weeks... and I think I may have told everyone a different option of mine. I've also been telling them that my only goal in life is to get married, have babies, and be a housewife and only leave for church. Buuuuut, those of you that know me fairly well know that is just a joke, and I would never do that to myself.

So, please be remembering me in your prayers for a job. I am really hoping that I will not have to take more schooling by default because of the economy. I just want a job/to move out of the country. So. Please be remembering me.

selfish.

Thankfully, there is only one week after this week left of Summer Staff. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not counting down the days... but, I am very ready to hit the road and go home for a little while.

As i've alluded to in past blogs, the past two summers, I've been productive. I was telling people about being a disciple for the Kingdom of God. I've been telling people what it looks like to be a follower of Christ. I've been telling people WHY they should go and tell the nations about the Lord. Most importantly, I saw lives changed for the sake of Christ.

This summer? Well. I sit at a desk and have stinky boys come up and ask me to let them into their locked room for the small price of $1.

I wish that I would have been more productive with my time in the real world. I could have been out doing all of those things, but instead, I sat at a desk, and listened to 8th grade girls share their secrets over a boy that was in their small group.

Lives could have been saved. Others could have heard about God's heart for the nations. Hearts could have been turned back. A hungry person could have been fed.

I guess if I could re-do this summer (hopefully I don't have to...) , I would do it differently. I would live a life worthy to Him who sent me - here, to Bison Hill for the summer. I blew my first opportunity at being a big girl. I hope I won't blow the next.

This has just been on my mind lately, take it as you will.

freedom.

I saw a facebook post that bothered me. [yes, a facebook post]

"WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...Please remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you. Jesus Christ and the American Soldier. One died for your soul and the other for your freedom....GOD BLESS AMERICA and GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS!!"

Why did that make me frustrated? Well, I guess when it comes down to it... I'm not a huge fan of ... well... maybe I'm not a fan of the misconception of what America is - why people think we're here, and why people think we are some great nation. to sum it up, I guess you could say that I'm just not patriotic.

This quote from a friends mom.. it bothered me because :

1. Often we make an idol out of "people dying for our freedom". Now, before you yell at me about how your great-grandpa died for my freedom during World War II, let me explain. My freedom does not come from our nation winning a series of battles in order that we can be free. Yes, we are free because we are not under another nation - but, I would be free even if another nation was in charge of America, because Christ made me free. Does this make sense? I hope so.

2. "One died for your soul, and another for your freedom" - well, oh my soul. If this is true, my theology is all messed up. If I can say with respect, Christ died for my freedom, and my soul.. and, well... the soldier fought for my physical body. Lets get this straight. Christ died for you, so that you could have freedom from sin!

3. Christ died for more than just us, America. There is a whole world out there. A LOST, a DYING world, who needs Christ.

Once again, I have respect for our country and our troops serving our country. But, we should be hesitant to what we say, and what we make idols of. Please don't be offended by this post. It is my opinion, you know?

Well, I guess now that you've found out that I'm very Liberal, I'll leave you with this quote:

"Legalism says that fruit produces freedom. The Gospel says that freedom produces fruit." - Josh Kouri, Lead Pastor at Frontline.

Contentment?

This summer so far has been exactly what I have needed. I talked in this post about how i was scared to death of this summer - I thought I would be bored out of my mind. Surprisingly, I'm not. I've been staying busy, but I haven't been overworked and exhausted. It's been a perfect time for me to get to know God better, and see His calling on my life.

I feel within the past 3 months - my best friends are [literally] packing their bags, and leaving. I have countless friends who are moving on into another phase in their life, whether its marriage, seminary, moving, going overseas... I feel like several of my friends are saying, "peace out" while I'm stuck here in small-town, America. {Still content on being here, don't freak out on me}.

I'm kind of envious, in a way. I still have a year left of school, but I wish I could just go now. I'll get over it next year when it's my turn and cry like a baby because I don't wanna grow up.

I went to camp (the one I worked at) with my old youth-group last week. Talk about the most exhausting week of my entire life. I did, however, get a chance to tell my girls about the nations. Why they should pray & go, and what it meant to be SENT.

"As you SENT me into the world, so I have SENT them into the world" - John 17:18

What a wonderful reminder. However, It did make me not miss camp as much being in the heat and walking up and down hills. :)

Today, I went to the Asian Market to pick up a few things (the necessities, of course). [OH! And I finally found Lotus Root and I was way too happy... I didn't purchase today, though. It was expensive] and as I was walking around, I noticed a scent that I have smelled somewhere before... and I look over by the registers, and there is a man burning paper money! I was shocked! I remember seeing that when I was in Asia, but I have never seen that in America. It brought back some bad memories, and it made me want to quit my job, sell my stuff, and move to Asia and tell others about the Good News. I seriously have never felt so compelled or obligated in my life. I think I want to move there after I graduate...

Sometimes I worry...

Sometimes I worry that I will never be cool enough, artsy enough, quiet enough, loud enough, skinny enough, cultured enough for someone to even notice me.

I'm so thankful and humbled that my Savior would come down from heaven - and see me - Heather - as a more than average girl. He takes me - this girl who isn't artsy or crafty enough, who isn't skinny enough, and hasn't left the country more than 1 time... and He holds me in His arms. And He loves me.

{Thank you, Lord, for your provision. Thank you for loving this girl who feels so unloveable sometimes..}

before my battery dies...

I made a cute soap dispenser inspired by this blog.

another short one...

Well, when I get bored : I craft. I made this cute bulletin board today, and I am so, so, excited about it! I just need to add a coat of gloss medium for an extra vintage look... :) Here she is...

New Music...

lately, I've had quite a bit of time to listen and enjoy music (more than normal). I found this song on pandora, and I have grown a liking to it.



And also, this song:

Summa Time!!

God is showing me so many good, good things and giving me such great friends here in Shawnee. People I wasn't close to, I am becoming close to, and it is a really fun experience. I've had a lot of fun with my roomates [beth, tayler, megan], Emily, and Holly.

Before I left though, my friend Becca came to see me. we had a lot of fun... here are some pictures!

This is Casey, Julie, Becca, and Myself at Cuppies and Joe! One of my favorite coffee shops in the city. [Try the boom boom pow cuppie..]

This is me, Julie, and Becca! We went to this awesome park! they had tires for the gravel-stuff. It was insane... like a big rocket ship!!

In other news, here in shawnee, I've had a lot of fun! Holly, Beth, and myself spent an hour and a half at big lots yesterday sitting in their furniture. It looks like i'll be making quite a few friends at big lots. Beth and I have also considered buying a duck and keeping him on our patio.

This morning, we woke up early (Beth and I slept through our alarms...) and went to grab donuts, and then to a rummage sale at a local church!

There was a LINE to go in the church to buy rummage.

Holly about to go in the line..

Me, Holly, and Beth after our first purchases.

My purchases! I'm going to knock out the ugly picture/mirror and make them into bulletin boards, and then sell them at an event here at OBU called, "girls night out". Also, check out the vintage suitcase I got for ONLY $5. It would have been $50 or more at an antique store.

And finally...

Check out this awesome chair I got for $10!!!! Isn't it cute??

don't be skeered

[only real creek-ians will get/understand my title of this blog...]

I'm not going to start this post out with a lie [I never do, but I feel like this is a strong statement, and it's gaining your attention, am I right??]

This summer absolutely scares me. I've spent the last two summers at falls creek... the greatest place to spend your summer, the greatest camp, and the LARGEST christian youth camp in the world. Working at the FC keeps me busy: I get up and attend my first meeting at 7:45 AM... I get one lunch and one dinner break, and then I head up to my cabin at about 11:00 PM every night. So, very literally, working for about 15 hours a day. It's a tough, and sometimes rough job.

I had early anticipation of returning to 'the creek' this summer. I applied the day applications went online - November 1. I applied, went to a dinner for returning staff members, and then... well, I guess God clearly didn't want me there.

I was offered a job to be an ARD next year, and because I accepted that, I was asked to stay the summer to prepare for the next year. So, I'm living in Shawnee of all places for the summer.

I worry that I won't have much to do this summer, and I'll spend it being absolutely lazy [the exact opposite of what I've done the past two summers..]. I know for a fact though that God called me and chose me for the ARD job. Maybe this is just another step of the 'wilderness'. Maybe this is a summer dedicated on me just focusing on who my savior and my redeemer is. I'm really not sure why - but by the end of the summer, I hope to have enjoyed my 3 months of summer in Shawnee.

A verse that I've really been reflecting on for this summer [when i'm not bitter...] is:

Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in all the earth.

-Psalm 46:10

Despite my thoughts and feelings about my summer, He's called me here. Maybe for a new ministry, maybe to work on my spiritual life and growing with him. He will still be exalted in Shawnee, at Falls Creek, in China... and in the rest of the world... and that's what its all about! May God be exalted by these summer plans.. and may His plans become mine..

Tik Tok Kesha - Acoustic Cover

ranty-shmanty

Lately, I have had dreams about my friends that I met when I was in East Asia. It's haunting me, really. I don't know what's getting to me. I have dreams they are walking around in America with me... but sometimes I dream that I am back in my city with them.

I hope they're okay. I hope they are seeking after truth. Please pray for them. My friends.

The hardest year of my life... so far...

It's funny, you know?

I walked into my third year of college with confidence of making some sort of impact. Ready for Father to start revival, ready for him to really work in my life.

At that point, I didn't realize that the almighty God working in our lives wasn't always happy and joyful.

Through this past year; I've grown. I've been to places this year part of me wishes I hadn't. I've seen the depths of the pits, and been pushed in a swamp with alligators. but I've also seen the sun set in the most beautiful place imaginable, watch a flower bloom, and stand on the top of a mountain in sheer silence watching the world as it works.

This year, I lost some good friends. Some really, really good friends. I lost the person I thought would be my maid of honor. I lost the man I thought I was going to marry. It's funny, when you think about it. The closest people in my life, God ripped right out of my hands. The weird part is, I don't miss them as much as I should. There are days of course... but then there are others where I see God's purpose, protection, and plan in losing such dear, dear people to me.

This year, my heart got smashed on. Maybe the hardest it has ever gotten hurt. From hearing, "Sorry, I knew I was leading you on..." to "I think we should just be friends... I'm interested in your best friend"... man. It hurts still thinking about it. But somehow in that mess of broken hearts... God protected me... from getting hurt worse if I had really allowed those men into my heart. Father saved me from giving a piece of myself away.

I learned this year, that God sometimes takes really, really, really good things out of our lives. He doesn't just ask us to give Him the things that are hurting our relationship with Him - he takes everything he can from us to mold us and shape us into who we are called to be. and it HURTS. It hurts to be on the potters wheel... allowing him to bend us in a direction we didn't think he would go.

I have learned how to wait. Be patient. The man of my dreams - he'll come one day. He is going to sweep me off my feet, and ask me to dance in the middle of the street right after it rains. He's going to romance me - but I don't need him right now. I've got a life to live, you know?

Most of all, I've learned how to love and trust our almighty God through hardships. Loving him - because we know that these hardships are apart of his plan. His good, perfect, plan.

Everything is a part of the most High God's plan. Everything. And it always turns out for the better.

all i want is you..

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.

If you were the love, I'd be the desire.

If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,

And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

-Barry Louis Polisar

Summmmmer

Yet another list.

To-Do : Summer 2010

-Get a GOOD tan
-Gavin Degraw Concert
-Mewithoutyou concert
-30 day shred (all 30 days)
-cafe oasis with kyle
-plaza district with lauren
-read as much as possible
-visit falls creek
-visit best friends {The Keeds, Trey, Kate, William, Jenny + any friends that want to hang out with me!}
-play board games at starbucks with funk and rachey
-become interested in a new TV show
-lose at least 30 pounds
-watch classic & old movies {breakfast at tiffanys, casa blana....etc}
-get a haircut/color
-get a pedicure
-sell stuff I don't use
-hold a garage sale
-be crafty... make hair barrettes, picture frames, etc


[WITH LAUREN... BUT YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN...]
-sauced
-sushi
-paseo
-kaisers milk shake
-sara sara
-cupcakes to go go
-photoshoot
-red cup
-the wedge
-cafe o
-asian district
-milk bottle
-the creek
-thrift stores
-the lake
-collected thread
-plaza district

It's going to be a good summer.

3-6-5 ... lets do the hand jive!

As of yesterday, there are 365 days until I graduate college. May 13. (today = 364). In honor of this, I made a list of things I want to accomplish in the next year. I will cross them off as they happen.

-write at least 3 new songs
-lose 50 pounds
-memorize 52 verses - one per week
-drink more water (by drinking two glasses of water per secular drink) (secular drink = soda, tea, etc)
-go on a date
-volunteer weekly
-mentor someone
-pray with people
-learn proper etiquette
-befriend at least 5 new people and get to know them well.
-learn how to shoot a gun
-run a 5K
-read more books
-strengthen vocabulary
-dress up 4/7 days per week
-have an accountability partner
-improve guitar and voice skills
-make the deans honor roll
-make handmade items
-encourage people 3 times a day
-write encouragement notes weekly
-have a garden
-learn more chinese phrases
-meet more international students from China

Can I do it? Sure hope so!

3-6-5 do the hand jive : one year left, blog coming very soon!!

sisters.

I am an avid supporter of social clubs. Today I would like to dedicate this post to Theta Sigma Chi.

My Freshman year, I came to OBU, and people in my life (such as my youth pastor and other OBU alum) scared me away from social clubs. Whenever I was invited to an open rush, i said, "heeeck no".... because the "Cool Kids" weren't in Social Clubs.

My second semester - I came back after a month long break, and somehow, all of my old friends began to cling to each other... without me. I had a few friends - Kylie and Aly - who were going to go to an open rush. I went, with no desire to join - at all.

I met the girls - and I was NOT impressed. somehow, God really used that experience. I thought about it, even after I had said I would never join one.. God clearly knew what he was doing, and urged me to join. So. I did.

Two years later - I cannot imagine my life without the people I have met through Theta. Gosh - these girls really have proved themselves to be my sisters. They stick up for me. They love me. We fight. They're there with a pint of ben & jerrys when I'm haivng a bad day. I would have NEVER expected to meet such amazing people while I was in college - especially in a 'sorority', if you will.

I have grown, and made a transformation with myself since my freshman year. While part of this could be blamed on growing up and through experiences, Theta has always been there for me on Monday nights with encouragement.

so, Thank you, to my sisters. For being there for me, and allowing me to be there for you in our heartache, in tough times, and especially in happy times. Thank you for being there while i've searched for myself, and loved me when I was cynical. Thank you for continually being the body of Christ to me.

Through Him, the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love as each part does its work. --Ephesians 4:16

I am your sustainer.

"When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, 'Rabbi, when did you come here?' jesus answered them, 'Truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal'. - John 6 25-27

It's hard sometimes to trust God as our sustainer. I feel like one of these disciples who got a little bit of Jesus, I get full and a spiritual high off of Him, and then I leave. I go out and still live like I'm full. But, soon I come to realize that I'm starving. I run back to Jesus, and say, "Feed me, Lord! Feed me!". Of course, he does. He gives us his love - he fills us with his mercy, and forgiveness. We run back into this same cycle.

Sometimes, we even do this with relationships. I'll admit it; I really struggle a lot with relationships. I want to be in a relationship - I want to be loved, and I want to love someone. We get involved in these relationships, and then we get out of them, and realize that we were never sustained or filled in the first place.

Sometimes, we do this with religion. Sometimes, we run and hide ourselves in a religious cover. We lift up our hands, close our eyes, and become 'one with the holy spirit'. We leave church, and realize we never got full.

and Sometimes, we even do this with our appearance. We will look at ourself in the mirror, and we will make ourselves to look 'okay'... we will put a smile on our face, and realize we never even ate of the loaves. We simply stared at them. No confrontation. We know what we're running from, and we know our fake faces and fake lifestyles above all.

I guess what I'm trying to say - and maybe even what this scripture is saying - is that we run to so many places looking for something to fill our hunger. We look for relationships, religion, and even how we are perceived by others to fill us. We must begin to trust King Jesus - our Father, our Sustainer, our Bread of Life - we must trust him to fill us. He must be our food; our fuel. We won't make it on anything else.

What is your fuel? What do you eat instead of the Bread?

Worst. Day and a half. Ever.

Rise and Shine its 8:15 AM. First task of the day: enroll in summer school. I take a shower, and get out... to find that all of my clothes are still in the washer. I put them in the dryer, and fix my hair and make up. I put on a floor-length dress (because I'm going to a funeral later), and head out the door.

As I get in my car, I realized I left my purse inside. I run back in to go get it, and sit back down in my car. The spaghetti strap on my dress ripped in half because it was held together by a dinky piece of plastic. I run back inside to fix it.

I drive to the community college. I get lost. I get lost in the parking lot with all of the 'One Way' signs. I finally find a parking spot. I trip as I get out of my car. I walk towards the school, and a rude boy looked at me like, "HEY, YOU DONT GO HERE". Correct. I don't.

So, I go to the Advising center - to enroll in College Algebra. [Three years past, I had taken 'Intermediate Algebra']. They tell me that if I want to be in their College Algebra online class [at the community college] then I would have to take 'Intermediate Algebra, again and then I could take College Algebra in the fall. Screw that idea.

I am angry, leave without buying my text-book and lab kit for my general biology class.

I drive down the road, get lost in the ghetto, because I am frustrated, feel like I'm going to get shot.

Come home and I'm starving. Mom doesn't want lunch.

I try to continue to write a paper, and then I get some discouraging news... which I will not share here.

THEN my mom gets a phone call from my grandma [nickname : DRAMA QUEEN] asking if we are going to the luncheon + graveside service. My mom says no to both because I have to be back at school.

My mom and I go to the funeral, and sit in the back... and my dress breaks... AGAIN. Not an easy fix with 100+ people around you. .... As we look to our left with the family is coming into the funeral service... there's my grandmother [DRAMA QUEEN] IN A WHEELCHAIR!!! She is perfectly capable of walking.

After the service, my mom and I waited in the foyer of the church. We wanted to see some family members. So, everyone comes out, and my moms cousins come up to her saying they almost threw my grandma off the wheelchair because she is causing so much drama. My grandma comes over and tries to interrupt us from our first time to see our relatives in maybe a year [disclaimer: my family isn't the closest, ever].

My great aunt jannie (who lives far away) asked me what I was studying in school. Told her 'Communications'. My grandma says, "Well, i've never heard of that! You never told me".... I was at her house two weeks ago and told her the same thing.

ANYWAYS.

The family gets mad at my mom and I because we weren't the ones pushing her around in the wheelchair. Oh well.

We get out of the church, and head home. It is currently 3:55. It takes about 20 minutes to drive home, and then I run inside my house, grab my stuff, and head out. I go to 7-11 to get some gas, and there are NO gas pumps for like 10 minutes. Every time one opens, someone else takes it.

So, I finally get my gas, and get on the road. It is about 4:30 by the time I get on the road, and I have to work at 5:00. I'm stressed out, and couldn't get anyone to take the first hour of my shift (finally did, thanks Sydney!)

I come back to school, eat a gross dinner... Sit down to write a paper, and then my date for Saturday [a sorority date party] cancels on me. Awesome. It's Wednesday.

So, I say whatever, and then I continue writing my paper. I have been messing with my jeans all day, and then all of the sudden : RIP.


Needless to say. It's been a horrid day. Hoping for a better one tomorrow.


I hope you found this humorous. I will tomorrow.

the best part of me was always you...

I'm tired of worrying about my future. More importantly, I'm tired of worrying about whether I will ever meet someone or not.

I guess I'm hopeful. I'm ready for this to work out, more ready than I'll ever be. but I guess it's not right. I'm losing hope - i'm almost done believing that it will ever happen.

I'm tired of pursuing things that never come to pass. I'm tired of hurting myself in the long run. I'm tired of boys hurting me.

I get discouraged so easily. I'm tired of being defined by who I am with. I need to work on myself. I need to learn how to worship my king asking nothing in return. He's already given me an abundant life. I shouldn't expect anything in return. I need to find my beauty in Him, my joy in Him, my passions... in Him. Not to please others.




yep. this is hard.